I have typed this up and deleted it and typed this up and deleted it again. I have asked people if I should say something and they advised me not to. I have asked people if I should say something and they have advised me that I should. Ultimately, I have decided just to be honest with all of you. I am overwhelmed. Plain and simple. I was overwhelmed when I left and I am overwhelmed now, if not more so. I have gotten endless messages from both sides of the border, and I have had people frustrated with me because I don’t agree with certain actions on either side. I am not a martyr and I never intended to be one. I left because of the way certain members were treating others. I left because I felt like I was being used as a scapegoat for the sites problems. I left because it felt like all my opinions were being twisted into something it wasn’t and instead of people trying to talk things out with me in private they instantly decided I was just a horrible member searching for trouble before they even got to know me. I left because what felt like every time I disagreed with someone, they got it into their heads that I was personally attacking them and hated them, and then decided to make sure my peers knew how terrible and mean I was.

The point of telling everyone on the site how I felt was to ensure that it would stop happening because it’s painful. It was not to make the other side feel the same thing that I was feeling, or that you are feeling. I am embarrassed to hear that people of both sides are sending each other hate mail. I am embarrassed that at this point we’re all deliberately out to hurt each other. I am embarrassed that we’re all publicly bashing each other which only raises up people’s defenses instead of telling someone nicely “hey that hurt my feelings. What did you mean by that?” privately. I have been told some pretty nasty things during the past four days. Things I am not sure that I’ll ever be able to get over. All this being said, everyone seemed to have rallied around my goodbye thread searching for change at first, but then eventually it became a witch hunt with both sides after the others heads. That was not the point of my thread, and if you had reread it you would see that.

“It's a problem with the entire unit. No single member is to blame, and to blame one member is just so very cruel.”

All of you have been searching for that one user to blame for all of this. All of you have been blaming the other side. All of you have gotten it into your head that you’re innocent in all of this. This being said I have come forward to say that if you all want to blame someone, blame me. I am the person who put up the goodbye thread hoping it’d trigger change, I am the one who aired my dirty laundry out on the site because I felt it was necessary, and I am the one who started almost every conversation on staff that combust into flames. I am the one that ran and hid for all this time instead of saying anything because I refused to accept responsibility. I am the one who joined the site as a former member after an over two year hiatus and decided right away to start off where I left off with full intentions of helping, but ultimately realizing at the end of it all that my return had been a mistake. I am to blame. So if we’re all searching for a head to put on a pike, then I offer up mine. I never intended for any of this to happen, and I’ve lost a lot of friends who originally supported me leaving because of it. If we all want to punish someone, then punish me. Send me the hate mail, yell at me for all the problems, and yell at me for the fact you haven’t been listened to, because I was a staff member too.

However, I am here to say the whole site is to blame. All of you are to blame, including myself. I should have spoken up way sooner than I did. I should have said something before all those users, including my best friend, gave up and snapped. I should have been more proactive while I was on staff instead of watching people leave left and right. I should have listened to all of you and should have done more as a staff member instead of saying “I am sorry to hear that. I’ll miss you” while hoping someone else would bite the bullet and start the inevitable conversation. I should have been a bigger voice than I actually was and I should have stopped using fear as an excuse for why I couldn’t call people out on their behavior. I should have stuck up for myself. It’s not your job to stick up for me. So now, I am calling you all out. All of you have been so cruel to each other, and it needs to stop. There is a difference between giving your opinion respectfully, and messaging/skyping someone demands, ultimatums, and/or clearly hurtful words. Everyone has a place on this site, staff member and registered user alike. Those that are new and those that are not. Classic is everyone’s home, not just one person, and everyone has a place in it. Now our home is in flames, and instead of trying to put it out like we should have been doing the entire time, we’re too busy fighting among ourselves while it burns to the ground. Please, pick up your water hoses, and do something about it. Stop telling other people to do it. You’re a member, there is no title attached to being a member because we’re all on the same site, and fight for your home. Compromise, listen to each other, and talk to each other. If you don’t feel you’re being heard, if you’re feeling particularly hurt, then reach out to someone. Give examples. Help each other work on yourselves.

If you don’t want to do any of that, if by the end of all this you’re thinking “this whole post pisses me off”, or you’re still thinking “BUT THIS PERSON DID THIS THING”. Then refer back to what I said before. If you really really need to put a head on a pike to treat as an example use mine, please. I am both a registered user and a staff member in both mind and spirit. I am the perfect person to sacrifice. Just stop making all my friends upset. Stop making members want to leave. Stop making each other hurt so badly. The amount of skype calls and skype messages I've gotten of people crying and feeling worthless, both staff and nonstaff alike, breaks my heart. None of us deserve this. It's time to move forward for the better.

Some songs:

Nonstaff members - (my mod perspective song, how my staff member side feels)

Staff members - (my registered user perspective, how my registered user member side feels)

How I actually feel caught in the middle -

Anyway, love yall always. This was either a big mistake or the right thing to do. I am only human so I have no idea which it will be. I can only hope it's the later.