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Here on Classic we understand that sometimes life can get difficult and we struggle. We may need to receive advice, vent, know that we are not alone in our difficult times, or even just have someone listen to what's going on in our lives. In light of these times, we have created the support threads below that are open to all of our members at any time.
There are many phobias out there. It's only human nature to be afraid of some things, but sometimes fear can hold us hostage and make life difficult. If you're struggling with a Phobia please comment here.
Faith your blood test probably already happened, so I'm probably not much help here anymore. but.
I have a fear of needles being in me, so I share the fear of blood tests. I normally bring someone along with me, like a friend or family member (normally william, but before him I would bring a friend) to just sort of hold their hand or have them talk to me about something to distract me. i always tell the nurse to not tell me when she's going to put the needle in, because then i think about it and get paranoid. the time where i didn't have anyone else with me, the nurse helped me out and we talked about a movie that i was actually extremely passionate about and accidentally ranted a bit, and i honestly didn't even notice her draw my blood at all because i was so deep in my rant.
Yeah I did the blood draw and it went really well! The chair could recline so I got to lie down and then I told her to tell me when she was going to do it, but I kept my other hand over one eye so I couldn't look at her. But it was totally painless, like I felt nothing at all and I just distracted myself by talking about my game. I have to go in again for one, but I feel a lot more confident about them, maybe I can actually donate blood, like that would be awesome!
life is a lot, and I'm sorry for how much it impacts me here
Post by neverstarstar on Feb 6, 2020 0:27:43 GMT -5
okay it's 12:10 AM, why am I writing this? x.x
Anyway, I have a fear of death.
Let me explain, I have always been very aware and nervous about the whole "you only get one life" sort of thing, you know? But it was always a thing I just ignored. Well, my best friend died in 2012 in a car accident, my uncle died suddenly in 2013, my aunt was murdered in 2014. I didn't take these well, I was young and hadn't ever lost anyone before. I unraveled but I never stopped not worrying about death. I was crushed when they died, I will cry to this day about any of them.
But fast forward to 2018, my grandpa died. I was the one who told my grandma she needed to call it, let the doctors who'd spent 22 minutes trying to bring him back stop. I was there when he was still talking, when he told me he knew this was it. I was there when he started hallucinating about my dead uncle being in the room. I was the ONLY one there when my incredible stoic and strong grandmother fell to the floor sobbing when they couldn't save him. She screamed at me, told me it was my fault for telling her they should stop trying to bring him back. But it had been 22 minutes, what kind of damage does that do to your brain?
Anyway, I kept myself dosed with sleeping meds and cried for a week, I did nothing but sleep or cry. I fell apart. My grandpa raised me whenever my mother decided to leave as she so often did. All four of my grandparents are more important to me than my parents are. They... they are a lot of why I continue to be alive. And to lose my first grandparent rocked me to the core.
Mind you, I have a husband who was very much there for me through all of this. He is my best friend, and very capable of taking care of himself. But I could feel my fear shift to him and suddenly I was like velcro. I'm a trusting person, he's amazing. I don't ever feel the need to worry about where he is or what he's doing. I still don't in the cheating sense. But I do constantly worry if he drives without me or walks without me or even freaking puts Halloween decorations up without me. I'm annoying, I know. Because I won't let him go to the store if it's dark because our neighborhood is sketchy. He's a middle school teacher at a not great school and he's been on a kids "hit list" before and threatened multiple times. I don't like him driving, especially in the rain. I don't like being apart at all. It's... codependent and unhealthy. But the thought of losing him... I'm literally crying as I type now.
I know it's stupid, I know I can't protect him from life. I know that my attachment is not great. I know. I know. But I literally wake up sobbing because I had a dream where he or my sisters died. I get into habits of just not speaking to anyone because I don't want to love people only to lose them. I'm scared, like literally actually really afraid all. the. time. I have panic attacks if he doesn't answer the phone or if my sister doesn't show up on time.
I'm so, so afraid. When it gets really bad I just don't leave the house and use any excuse to get him to stay home too. I'm afraid of the entire world. I'm distrusting and skeptical. I fear people, anyone but the few family members and friends I have. I get scared if he calls randomly or when there are sirens headed in the direction of my house or his work or whatever. I'm hyperfearful. It's paralyzing sometimes.
I'm in fear of losing my other three grandparents, any call from my parents gives me a mini panic attack. I call everyone all the time to check in with my grandparents, to make sure they are all okay. I know they can't live forever but when they die.... will I survive it? Seriously. I just feel so cracked and broken over losing my grandpa, how can I do this three more times. And if something happens to one of my siblings or my husband? I don't understand how I would have anything left after that. How I would be able to go on. I'm scared guys.
I have never been this transparent about this stuff and it feels nice. Maybe it will help? Maybe not. I just needed to sort this out, get it out of my brain.
I have the exact same fear! I've had it since I was 6, I used to not think about it, but as my parents got older I began to think about mortality more. I would lie in bed sometimes and think about if there was a heaven and what if it's nothingness. But there's a few tricks I've learned and none of these work right away, they have to be consistent.
The next time you feel dread, like death could be upon YOU not someone you know, but you. Accept it. Pretend like this is really it for you and when the moment passes and you're not dead you feel different in a way that's hard to describe. I do this a lot, maybe a cars acting crazy on the road, I feel like someone's following me, I pretend in my mind that this is it, I accept that it's the end and when the moment passes I know that if that were to be my final moments that I was okay. When you're able to do that for yourself, do it for others. You're right, there's nothing you can do, but the more you feel in control by accepting something inevitable as death or have formed an action plan in your mind on what to do if something did happen to your loved one you don't feel as out of control. The first few times are hard, but when you do it more than once you have a readiness and that helps move the dread away so you can live your life instead of dreading the end of it for you or anyone else.
I don't find all of these quotes comforting, but the ones that did comfort me made a big difference in my life so if you feel like browsing these you might just find some that comfort you
I also make sure I have a will in place along with notes, should my untimely demise come that family and friends can be comforted by.
But death is a real and natural fear, and that's why it's scarier than most phobias. Your reaction to death isn't odd in anyway, I hope this was actually comforting because people process and overcome things differently, but these are just somethings that helped with me and I hope they help you out too.
neverstarstar There are very few people who aren't afraid of death in some way or another. Losing someone hurts like heck. I'm terrified of losing my dad. The last time I hugged him, I noticed he had lost a lot of weight and it really hit me. I'm terrified of losing my boyfriend. I'm terrified of losing my cat. Death is just terrifying. In fact, talking about this subject to my boyfriend, he just broke down crying at the thought of his dad dying. It's such a natural fear, and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
Faith's suggestion sounds really helpful, and the quotes too. What I just do is spend as much time with the people important to me, so I can limit any regrets I may have. I don't want any "what if's" or "i should have's". Yes, spending more time with them will make it more painful, but it also gives so many happy things to look back on. Focusing on the happy is hard sometimes, but it will be those memories that you treasure the most. Like Faith said, if you have a plan, it won't make you feel as out of control.
life is a lot, and I'm sorry for how much it impacts me here
Post by neverstarstar on Feb 6, 2020 9:59:16 GMT -5
I truly appreciate you both responding. I was having a tough time last night and just couldn't stop thinking about it. My grandma on my dad's side is in her upper 80s and just in the hospital and it's gnawing at me.
I guess for me I've faced my own mortality. It's difficult, but I've done similar to what you've said, Faith and you're right, it does help. To face a scary moment with "this is my end, and I'm ready for it", it has helped in a very strange but welcome way.
My challenge, particularly, is how to survive when someone I love dies. I feel like each time I lose someone or, heck, even a pet, that it kills something it me. I feel shriveled. And yeah I may not cry as much anymore but I don't ever really feel 100% again. I don't feel that same sense of innocence I did before my best friend was killed. It's not like "you're dealt with loss, you're stronger!" its the opposite. I feel less able to deal with it now.
When someone dies it truly messes with my head and I've had very vivid dreams about losing my sisters or husband or grandparents and how I respond in those dreams scares me. I think I fear loss more than death maybe? I feel like I can't survive losing them. I know it's coming, I will lose people I love. And I don't know how to prepare for it. I spend time with them and talk to them and make sure they know how important they are to me, but I did that with my grandpa and I still just broke apart when I lost him. Just two days ago I was crying in class because my professor reminds me of him. This is almost 2 years after he died. I don't know how to heal. I don't know how to deal with loss if I'm already suffering from it.
I think you just need a new perspective and remind yourself of the reasons you need to carry on after someone dies. And if you don't have something you need to make something.
Like after my hamster went missing to never be seen again I was so distraught and somehow I had to continue classes. So I made a video game about her and her epic journey to escape to the outside world. That way although her life is gone she continues to live on in the spirit of this game and I pushed out some positivity in the world when there was negativity in my life.
This is a harsh way of thinking, but it keeps me going. When someone dies that's it, they can't contribute anymore to the world, but they live on in you, they can't continue living if you don't live your life. If I'm too stuck feeling like everyday they died just yesterday I'm doing them a disservice by not continuing to live with the morals and life experiences that they gave me to contribute to this planet. It's not an option to stay sad forever, I need to keep going for them and sometimes these can be small steps. Be patient with someone who you want to be angry at because you know your loved one would have. Buy a plant and nurture it because your loved one would have done the same. Put something positive in the world for the people that you lost. Maybe they're gone, but the positivity they put into the world doesn't need to disappear with them, it can always lie in you.
Loss isn't something you need to get over or feel better about. But you can prepare by deciding what positivity you'll put into the world after they no longer can do it themselves. And whatever you decide to do, when you do it it's your loved one living on through you. You live so they can live on. This is not to say you shouldn't grieve, but when you reach the depression stage before acceptance, you get to acceptance by trying to embrace life. Again, I hope this helps, I always feel I'm super awful at comforting people, but I just relate to fearing death and wondering about loss so much that I wanted to try and I'm tremendously sorry if this wasn't helpful at all.
Adding on to Faith's point about her hamster, when I lost my cat a year ago, my friend bought me a necklace to keep his ashes in so now it feels like he's always with me. Yes, he was with me in spirit, but now it feels like he's physically with me as well. When I lost my childhood cat, I did the same thing with a stuffed animal. When my great grandma died, she gave me this elephant made out of towels that she stole from the hospital because she liked it, and so I started using that as a reminder that she's still with me.
The cat that I lost a year ago was like a child to me, and it affected me way more than any other death has. The 2nd was the one year anniversary, and I sobbed like a baby. I got out a picture of him and cuddled it with my necklace, and watched a video of him meowing at me. Somewhere through that, I found myself smiling at his silliness and laughing at the things he used to do. My sadness was still there, but I felt better about it. I'm afraid of losing those memories with him, so the day he died, I started a diary addressed to him. It helped me deal with my pain, and I wrote down everything that I remembered about him. How he would just plop down while walking, how he would sleep under the blankets with me, how he was so smelly when we first got him, how wonderful his toebeans are. Everything I could think of about him, I wrote it down.