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Post by Honeystorm on May 14, 2019 17:09:24 GMT -5
She wasn't sure what they were anymore. They were mates, but it didn't quite feel like it. Every time they spoke it felt like they were walking on eggshells, each wanting to say something, to make the past go away and return to days of careless happiness, with their perfect kits and peaceful lives. But those times were gone now, and in reality, they never had been, as Shule now saw. Kotori was a murderer, Sean was depressed to the point he gave his own kits away, and she was apparently on a path to bring down the Regime around her because of the kits she never had the chance to know, most of which didn't even see her as a parent.
In the past year or so, so much had happened. Kotori had killed family and clamates alike. Zakiyyah had disappeared soon after. She'd had a second litter of kits, only to be kidnapped by Foxstar. Sean hadn't been capable of taking care of his kits, and so entrusted them to the care of his sister. She had returned, only to find out everything had changed. Her brother was dead, nephew commander, niece abused by one of Largo's kits, and Foxstar at the center of her kits' disappearance. Everything had spiraled, she'd nearly killed Glowstar, and actually had killed Foxstar. She'd brought SunClan directly to the Regime's doorstep, the capture of the Priestess and the traitor Limavady ultimately costing Mars his first life, and that was entirely her fault.
Now, the she-cat was Mercenary Superior, appointed just before the battle, and Shule wasn't sure of her feelings for her new rank. At the least, the ebony feline felt as though it was undeserved, if not a downright terrible idea. She was unraveling, so it felt like, more scared than ever of losing those she loved, though in many of the cases, much of the distance was her own fault.
This tension with Sean had to stop, she'd decided. She couldn't live her life walking around with anger and worry directed towards her best friend, and the only tom she'd ever truly loved, and still loved, despite it all. She could deal with her kits, with her family, her duties, and everything else, but not without him. And that brought her great discomfort, to know that she couldn't run from the conversation she was about to start, that she would have to confront her own demons, not only to settle her own heart, but to help that of her mate's.
His words still echoed in her mind. "I was depressed before you left and when you did I couldn't even feed myself." He'd said. When he'd first spoken, that part of the explanation had been lost in her anger, and she had gone on a rampage instead, hating him, hating the Regime, hating Glowstar, and the world that would take her kits from her. In all this, she'd focused on herself, and it was only just now that she was beginning to realize just how selfish it all had been. She hadn't thought of her kits, or how hard it was for her mate to lose someone he cared for. And until now, she'd really just let him wallow in his suffering, hadn't she?
What kind of mate was she, that rather than choosing to understand his suffering, to help him no matter what it took, she'd instead reacted in anger and resentment?
It was late, but despite that, the Superior was still up. Times were busy, figuring out not only how to deal with their new prisoners, but making an attempt to reconnect with her side of the family, make up the time she'd lost with her kits, on top of navigating her new duties with the Mercenaries and Cadets. No longer being a Sentinel made it rather difficult for them to coordinate their schedules, but at least for tonight that didn't matter.
Shule slipped quietly up to their nest, her side cold and rather unused. She'd been pushing herself to her breaking point lately, sleeping fitfully and rarely in her own nest, often napping elsewhere so as to be able to immediately get back to things when she awoke. Sean was sleeping, or at least, she presumed so. He looked so peaceful, neither anxious, nor putting on a face of happiness to mask the hurt he held within. For a few long moments, she debated disturbing him, not wanting to ruin that expression on his face.
She couldn't put it off forever, however, and eventually, she leaned over, nudging his shoulder with her nose. "Sean, wake up. We need to talk." Shule's words came out sharper than she intended, and the white pawed she-cat cringed at the harshness that pierced the air.
There were a few alarms in life that would wake up any person from sound sleep.
1) The sound of another cat vomiting right next to you
2) Being yelled at by your full name
And three, the mother of all terrifying statements, we need to talk.
This absolutely never meant anything painless. Instantly his mind snapped to Shule wanting to divorce him. Would he be okay? He'd probably immediately start dating, she'd naturally take it the wrong way, but no she-cat would literally ever make him feel anything. He'd just be desperately picking up pieces trying to fit them into a void only Shule could fit. Even before he met her, Kenya hadn't been the one, nor Abiliana, or Kutsu. He always crushed on Shule, she had always been out of his league and if she broke it off now, even if it hurt he had lived a point in his life with her. Where she loved him and if it was over that would be okay, he felt heaven on earth longer than most cats in their life time could feel. His ears flattened though. No. Shule wouldn't do that to him.
He raised his head to look at her and when he did he became more certain of that. They had passed the out of his league phase, she loved him, he loved her. Times were hard, but never that hard.
"Hey buttercup," Sean whispered with a small smile, sleep still tugged at him, but looking closer at her concerned face he began to lean up, "Did you have a nightmare?"
