She couldn't stand to be here any longer, couldn't stand in their camp and even think about it as home. She hated how everyone seemed to move on, give her some passing sympathetic glance and be on with their day, as if she was nothing but background noise. And most, she hated watching his children running around, being everything she'd wanted. She was bitter and jealous and angry, and it wasn't fair. So she kept her distance, let them do their own thing because they could handle themselves, couldn't they? They didn't need her, and she preferred life without them. They couldn't replace what she had, but they could replace her. Because apparently she hadn't been enough, and Doe had needed real kits. Ones that weren't damaged. 

She wouldn't have to deal with it anymore, Winterclan was solitary enough that she didn't need to worry. Could forget them and live a new, different life. Idly, she remembered seeing her sister at the border, that one terrible day. 

Shaking a few bits of dust from her pelt, Lilydawn crept out of the warriors' den, not at all trying to hide herself. She wouldn't make a show of leaving, there was no point in going out with a bang, and she hardly felt they'd notice anyway. It was a little past mid-day, nearing evening, the last of the warmth soon to be seeped away as the sun settled on the horizon. It hung low in the sky, causing an annoying glare in her eyes. She kept her head low, her pace rushed, and as she reached the exit she cast a look over her shoulder, taking in the last of Summerclan. A part of her would stay here, she knew, and if she went to Winterclan a little broken it was alright, because she would fix it and everything would be alright. There was something of a new hope there, it was familiar enough where she wasn't nervous, but not in the way Summerclan or Springclan was. It was still Ghoulstar's clan, to her, and still the last place she'd seen Applekit healthy and happy and everything a sister should be. She continued forward, out into their territory that, hopefully, she wouldn't be seeing anytime soon. 

For a moment, it was alright, and she couldn't help the little hopeful smile that crept onto her face. First, she would visit her littermates, of course, figure out a way from there to Winterclan, and then she'd be off. Alone. Footsteps sounded behind her; Lilydawn froze. She turned sharply, face falling as she recognize Bluebellpaw. Her eyes narrowed. 

"What?" She snapped, voice tense and taut. Bluebell had always been a strange one, she mused, but so persistent. She didn't seem to realize they wouldn't work, that they weren't even blood related so it hardly mattered. She had his nose, Lilydawn couldn't help but note. "I'm sure you have better things to do than follow me around, haven't we talked about this?" 

Oh, how much she hated being called that, even if there was no reason. She refused to look into her eyes. I just... You always look so lonely! I want you to have a friend! "Lonely?" She tried to keep her volume under control, but her frame was defensive, closed off, as if she were about to fight instead of talk to her little sister. The silence, once calming, was now tense and awkward, instead of filling in the words it just left more unsaid. It had almost been perfect, and yet somehow his kits always found some way to ruin it or bother her or mess something up, and when she said anything about it suddenly she was the bad guy, or something. 

"Don't you have anybody your own age to bug?" She didn't respond to the claim—because of course she was lonely, Summerclan was the loneliest place on earth and despite their numbers, it always felt so, so empty. But Bluebellpaw didn't need to know that. Bluebellpaw didn't need to know her at all, because there was nothing between them and there would never be. Lilydawn was fine with that. She definitely didn't have to convince herself of it. She took another step back, very intent on turning her back and leaving, and if this was the last she saw of Doe's kid, than be it. 

"I'm busy, I've got no time for games." She didn't keep the irritation from her voice this time. 

*shakes bluebell lovingly* i am so, so sorry child 

She couldn't stand the way Bluebellpaw was making her feel, dare she say, bad, about everything. Her stupid, sad eyes, the way her lip quivered like she was about to cry, the way it was all Lilydawn's fault. No, she shouldn't feel bad. She deserved the happiness that finally making her own choice had brought her, just before she had been interrupted. Instead, she let out a drawn out sigh. 

"No, you shouldn't have," her words were firm, still, but less aggressive. She fixed her posture, less defensive, less like she was going to claw her ears off. If she were taller, she'd be looking down at Bluebellpaw. She shouldn't be hesitating like this—it was supposed to be about her, for once. That for once in her life she could think about herself, and only herself (as if she hadn't always been doing that anyway.) 

"No need for that." Her paws shuffled awkwardly, she'd always been terrible at emotions, especially when it came to those of others. How was she supposed to react to this sort of thing? Comforting had always been a weak point. "Come on, stand up," a bit demanding, but much less aggressive than she had been before, as if her fight had been drained from her. And really, it had. She was tired, she was this close to leaving, what was the point anymore. Wasn't like she would have to deal with this much longer anyway. 

"It's whatever. But what's going to happen is that you're going to go, do whatever it is that you do, and I'm going to go. I'll even forget this ever happened. Alright? Sound good?" 

She still cringed at the nickname. She contemplated telling her it wasn't any of her business, that Lilydawn could do whatever she wanted, go wherever she wanted, but she stopped herself, "Yes, going. Going away, from Summerclan." There was almost a wistfulness to her words, a foolish, stupid sort of hope that as soon as she stepped foot outside their borders, all her problems would be left behind, that she wouldn't have to think about them any longer. 

"I can handle myself, Bluebellpaw." Says, like she was still alive to say those words, like she was ever any sort of mother to Lilydawn. She tried to ignore the chill—it would be so much worse in Winterclan. She even enjoyed it, the way that on particularly cold windy days she struggled to feel her face, how her paws went almost numb, the bite it had. She thought frosty grass was particularly pretty. She stared at her sister, face set, eyebrows furrowed slightly. She hated the resemblance she had to them, how she could notice their features in each of their kits. That was how they worked, of course, but there was always that prickle of jealousy that it couldn't be her, that she didn't know what traits she shared with her parents. And it was such a stupid, simple thing to be upset over. 

"I haven't got anything here," a single, small moment of vulnerability, a brief look of sorrow. "This place sucks!" She gave a humorless laugh, "You have your siblings, your clan just adores you. Do whatever, I don't really care, just don't come following me. We're leaving that behind." We, like they were in it together. Lilydawn could have laughed at that. 

There was a slight relief as Bluebellpaw turned away, going off in her own direction at seemingly a whim, because that meant she finally, finally had her way out. Technically, she left first, Lilydawn wouldn't be around to know if she came back or not, she hadn't said anything. There was was pause, only a few seconds long, where she felt like she wanted to look back, get one good look at what she, hopefully, would never see again, just because she could, but she didn't bother to turn her head. Simply set off, one unsteady pawstep in front of the other, pace quickening as she became more sure of what she wanted to do. 

Bluebellpaw would have returned to empty air, presented a gift to nothing. As much as she resented them all, for everything they were and everything she was not, she hoped they were better off than her, that they'd be happier. That they'd be as close as she dreamed she would have been with her own siblings. She could not predict the fact that they, eventually, would grow apart themselves, leaving just as she did. She wouldn't blame them, not really, because she knew the longer you spent in the clan, the more bad things seemed to happen. She had been brought there for a better life, left with a little less. But Winterclan would be different, it would be better. 

The first steps she'd ventured into Summerclan after so long away were angry, confused, disbelieving at the sight of her father before her, but now, not long after she'd reconnected with Doefreckle and Shadedsun, they were a little softer, still just as unsure. The place still had that familiar feeling to it in the worst possible way, telling her she had to leave, that she couldn't stay here, that something was going to go wrong. It was warm, the sky was clear, and it seemed like the most peaceful place on earth. What a lovely little lie it was. 

Leaving had been a relief, really it had, but Bluebellpaw had always nagged at the back of her mind. Hauntingly so. Occasionally, she would see her sorrowful face in her nightmares, so sad she was melting, and Lilydawn would wake up shaking. It was the coldness of Winterclan, obviously, she had never regretted her decision. It wasn't what she had hoped it to be, this new life, but it was a welcomed change, and it was nice because she didn't have to act friendly around them. They were just as icy as their surroundings. So it was strange, to be venturing so far into Summerclan without the invitation Doefreckle had given her that one day. It was just her looking around, as if she had never left. 

She hadn't realized she'd gotten so close to that place, where she turned before either of them could say goodbye, ran and hadn't looked back. It was a little different, but she couldn't quite place it. She paused a moment to get a good look at everything—maybe it would stop showing up in her dreams if she just visited, let go of whatever it was her brain wanted her to—before taking a hesitant step forward. She pushed a low-hanging twig out of her way. 

"Oh," it was almost inaudible, a single breath of a word. She was a bit older, had grown into that kitten fluff that she last remembered her having, but she still had that same youthful air. What a idiotic idea, to invite herself here, wander their territory like she was any way apart of their clan, especially when they were still here. She should remind Doefreckle of that, the next time they talked, that there was no way she could find a home here. Her face set into the same glare she usually had, but there was no intensity in it. She couldn't bring herself to be mad at Bluebellpaw—or whatever it was her name was—because Lilydawn was the one who had caused all those problems. She hardly noticed the way the area was so homely, as if she hadn't left. 

it's alright c: hope you're doin okay <3 

The first thing Lilydawn did after the world froze was avert her eyes. Out of shame, guilt, maybe embarrassment, she wasn't quite sure. The second thing she did was take a step back, like she was planning on turning away and running off again. 

"Home?" The first words were halfway a breath, a single word that had run out of air. "What are you still doing here?" Because it seemed like she'd never left, it was homely, a life had been lived here and it was all her fault. She wanted to yell at her, all the why's and how's, but her face was as bright as it had always been. If a den hadn't been constructed here, it would have seemed like the whole area was simply frozen in time, Bluebellpaw and all. It felt cramped, claustrophobic, like her lungs were struggling to gather oxygen. It scared her, and she didn't know why. Maybe it was because she felt a little like she were dreaming again, and she was expecting her face to start melting right in front of her, or perhaps it was the one last thing she needed to send her over the edge; so much had been going on lately, too much of the past catching up to her, and she wasn't ready to face it. This was something she'd wanted to hold off as long as possible. 

"Your home is back in Summerclan camp. Why aren't you still here?" 

"That's not important." She looked at Bluebell as if she were in trouble, like she were scolding her, face drawn and brows furrowed, her ears drawn back as much as they could be with their small size. It felt claustrophobic, the raccoon carcass was definitely adding to the nightmare factor. 

"Listen — uh, I'm not here for you," she said bluntly, "have you seen Doefreckle? Or Shadedsun?" She was a bit more desperate now, hadn't bothered to ask for her new name, or if she'd even talked to any of them at all, the only thing she wanted was to leave and only think about her when she had nothing to distract herself with. She could handle everything else, almost, but there was nothing she felt worse about than the Bluebell situation. She never saw any of them as siblings, there was more envy than love, she hated them for simply existing, but she knew they didn't feel the same way about her. She'd lived her life so jealous of everything they had that she failed to realize they would have let her in if she gave them a chance, and it seemed to be haunting her, even if she didn't know the exact reason. 

The way she stood, on edge, tensed, ready to move if given a getaway. She was prepared to leave again, to do the same thing she had done all those moons ago and run for the mountains.