Warrior Cat Clans 2 (WCC2 aka Classic) is a roleplay site inspired by the Warrior series by Erin Hunter. Whether you are a fan of the books or new to the Warrior cats world, WCC2 offers a diverse environment with over a decade’s worth of lore for you - and your characters - to explore. Join us today and become a part of our ongoing story!
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Nothing was the same in SummerClan as it had been. At first Doefreckle had forced a happy smile and tried to lean into the change; change was good! Change was exciting! He'd always been about adventure and new things, hadn't he? Every second word had been said with a purr, he'd chatted cheerfully with anyone who would listen to him, he'd woven flowers into his fur and behind his ears.
There were no flowers on him now.
Doefreckle sat on the edge of a sheer cliff, gazing out at the sea with an unreadable expression. Even the borders had changed; now they extended as far as the Southern Sea. The cold ocean air buffeted his fur, slicking his whiskers against his cheeks with each brutal gust of wind. The look in his eyes was both everything - haunted, angry, bitter, grieving, lost - and nothing. Physically he was almost the same as he had been two years ago; he hadn't aged in that grey interim and looked to be the same boyish young tom he'd been as leader. But there was something about him - the set of his jaw, the disarming coldness in his eyes - that made him look older. The only thing that had changed physically was inexplicable: since coming back to life, the ginger in his fur had been more prominent, melting in with the black calico splotches and giving him a warmer, more autumnal appearance. At that moment, it contrasted dramatically against the raging, dark blue sea.
Dusk was gathering on the horizon, the clouds low and dark and heavy. White ocean foam sprayed high into the air below him, splattering against the weather-dark cliffs. Doefreckle looked down. His expression didn't change as he stared down at the endless drop, watching the ocean crash and swirl far below. It was almost funny. He'd realised during those two, haunted years how he truly felt about Shadedsun; then he'd watched his funeral. He'd told Chim how he felt about him; a few days later, he'd died. WaterClan had been destroyed and Chim had sought refuge in SummerClan; he was told the SummerClan leader had just been killed. A tale of constant, ceaseless almosts. Almost happy. Almost in love. Almost, almost, almost. He'd asked about him upon waking up and been told some vague thing about 'oh, he moved away', 'oh, he's settled down now with an old friend', 'oh, haven't you heard? He's vanished. No one knows where he is, not even SwiftClan - that's the Clan he created, you know. Always was a bit of a strange tom - no surprise he took up with a bunch of nomads and thieves.'
Doe let out a breath and raised his face to the sky, closing his eyes. He'd have to go back to camp soon, put on that I'm so cute and happy! mask and smile along with clanmates he'd hardly bothered to learn the names of. Not that anyone really cared anymore. He wasn't Doestar anymore. He was just the former leader who made the cats who'd known him awkward and the cats who hadn't passingly curious on their way to the freshkill pile. "Stupid," he muttered to himself, gathering his broken paw toward him and hopping up to stand.
Funny how just a few little words— Doefreckle is alive again, and he's in SummerClan — could drag such a visceral reaction from him, even all these moons later. Anger and despair and relief raged inside of him until his stomach turned and he thought he might be sick. He couldn't believe, he couldn't understand, they had buried him, he had sat by his grave for days when he found out, and now he was here again? He couldn't grasp it, not until he saw him with his own eye, so he left his secluded den in silence to visit the clans for the first time in moons.
And now, standing quietly behind the former leader, he still did not know how to feel.
He had lost his entire clan, the land he had grown up on, and with it, the trust his clan had once placed in him. When he reached their new home he heard that he was just a few days too late and he'd lost Doefreckle as well.
Feelings had never been easy for Chim. He had known grief and hatred and an all-consuming emptiness, he felt like a burden and a waste of space, he had felt the way his family and his clan pitied who he had become, but it wasn't until Doefreckle that he felt— that he felt wanted. And when there was a chance for a future, when his clan was gone and he had just the faintest glimmer of hope that maybe they could be together, really and truly, he lost him.
It was just another blow, and he swore it didn't matter; they barely knew each other, they had only met a few times, and what he felt had been so silly. He had to rationalize the loss: an enemy leader's death should never compare to the devastation of his entire home, and when his family asked, he insisted his silly little crush had not amounted to anything at all. What they had was never real.
So only gods knew how much it hurt him to lose Doefreckle, and now, to have him back. Chim had changed so much, but seeing him still brought everything back in one overwhelming food, impossible to wade through until he heard that familiar voice again. "Stupid."
And then Doefreckle started to stand, and something seized up inside Chim, and suddenly he was all too aware of how incredibly stupid he really was to come all this way. He had never been handsome, he had never looked good next to Doefreckle, but the years had not been kind to him, and the last thing he wanted now was for him to be seen like this. He was hyperaware of every gray hair on his face now that hadn't been there before, and it was like he was drowning just thinking about it, he had never cared before but now this was going to be the last memory of him in Doefreckle's head and this wasn't how he wanted to be remembered and—
His voice shaking, he croaked out, "hey, deput— Doefreckle. Been a while."
Doefreckle froze. For a long, long time, he just stood there, broken paw quivering under his weight and back turned to Chim. He stood there, staring out unseeingly at the raging ocean, his mouth opening slightly every so often and his jaw working around words he could never say. The clouds, heavy and dark, opened up into a soft, icy drizzle, the wind sweeping it sidewards and seeping into his fur; he still didn’t move. Every emotion, named and unnamed, scraped its way behind his eyes - anger, and for a heartbeat his lips curled back into a silent snarl, muzzle twitching violently as he imagined all the rash, nasty things he might say, impulsive things he wouldn’t mean at all but which needed to get out; finally he gave his head one decisive shake and the snarl settled. Joy - he wanted to run to Chim and press his forehead to his and weep and gush and laugh, wanted to let slip some silly joke through the tears that sounded like the ‘I love you, I still love you, I’ve never stopped loving you’ he could never say, some silly joke like, ‘well, I kept my promise - I took our secret to the grave’; his brows pushed up into a soft, disbelieving expression, all pained eyes and earnest, fleeting smile. Grief - the rain hid the tears dampening his cheeks. Guilt - how quickly Shadedsun was pushed to the back of his mind, just as it had been when he was still alive.
To not be the one looking, to be the one looked for… He wanted to sob. He was sobbing. Wasn’t that all he’d ever wanted? To have some silent proof he wasn’t unloveable, wasn’t broken?
Fear. Fear was the last emotion. He was different now. He was colder. There was resentment curling in his gut. There was… There were terrible things. The kind Doefreckle, the Doefreckle light and sweet as air - he was still there. Somewhere. Somewhere... His heart ached with the grief of losing himself as well as everyone else. He wanted nothing more to turn back time and be that tom again, to smile and feel it reach his eyes, to feel his heart soar, to lie in the sun and feel it... But either way, that didn’t matter. Chim had a mate now. Chim had Pygmyprawn. Doefreckle had never regarded the she-cat with any amount of jealousy or bitterness, not back then and not after coming back to life. He liked her - she was good, and she’d make Chim happy, and he was thankful he had someone who genuinely loved him. Who’d loved him for far longer than Doefreckle ever had. Now, though… To know that he’d turn around, and Chim would be standing there, and he wouldn’t be able to have him… He hated her.
Finally, the wrong thing happened: the insincere Doefreckle won out. He spun around, a wide, cheery smile on his face, and met Chim’s gaze. It was the wrong thing to do. It was the cruel thing to do. He met Chim’s gaze - saw the ginger tom for the first time in two years - and for a second he faltered; the need to run to him, to touch him, to love him was enough to tear his heart apart. The look in Chim’s eye, that quiet kindness he tried so hard to hide; the shy set of his ears; the softness; all the things he’d fallen in love with - they were still there. He hadn’t changed. But the inexplicable, terrible need to be childish, to punish him for no crime at all, to make himself hated just to get a taste of the pain he knew he deserved, to push him away before he could get hurt himself, before he could be rejected - that won out.
“Hey, Chim,” he chirped casually, smile bright and eyes broken. “I was just leaving. Nice of you to visit, but they’ll be expecting me.”
They remained still for so long, and briefly, Chim was grateful for the opportunity to flee— it was his choice to stay in the end, to face this, to ride out the wave of panic and try to find solid ground again. It didn't feel like a choice at first, he was too tense inside to move, paralyzed by fear and torn by indecision. This was his chance to run or clean himself up or make any of a thousand choices, but as his panic ebbed, he found somewhere the confidence to stay in place.
And then.
Those warm brown eyes turned to him, and Chim felt a flutter in the pits of his chest. They were so warm and familiar, he felt himself step forward instinctively to inhale that sweet rosemary scent— how many times had he avoided Firetooth's den because of the memories he knew that smell would evoke, and now here he was, trying to recapture the moment?— and felt a stab of disappointment when he realized it was gone now, replaced by something soft and earthy, foreign to his nose. Gods, even now just looking him in the eye made him weak, and he was so lost in reverie he nearly missed the bitter words tossed his way.
Nearly.
"So that's how it is," he replied quietly, searching Doefreckle's gaze for a hint of the tom he had once been. They had both changed. The old Chim, he might have broken right then. He would have tried to hold it together, but one harsh word from a cat he— cared deeply about, and he would have unraveled right there. But as much as he loathed his clanmates, as much as they embarrassed him on a daily basis, his family had made him so much more than he had been before.
"Just tell me one thing, before you go. I think you owe me that much." Chim fought to be the picture of perfect calm, but his jaw was clenched tight enough the ache spread through the back of his skull. "When did you decide I wasn't worth it?"
At the quiet, resigned sadness in Chim’s voice, Doe faltered again. The smile slipped into a tearful grimace and he staggered slightly, his broken paw giving out from under him. Guilt flooded his chest. All his most beautiful moments, they’d been with the tom standing in front of him. Everything good, everything truly kind he’d ever done - they’d been with Chim, been for Chim. He’d made him better, inspired him to be better. Made his soul warmer, quieter, calmer. Made him stronger. He’d taught him what it was like to be loved by a good cat, taught him he was worth more than the suffering he courted, taught him there was love out there that didn’t hurt, that was honest and pure and beautiful. Everything Doe had been before he met him - frenzied, lost, self-destructive; all of that had settled when he’d been with Chim. He’d changed his life. They’d been so good. Chim had been the one to first set him on the path of healing, the one he’d been trying to force himself to continue treading now that he’d been given a second chance at life. He wanted to cry out, ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’
But there was an awful side of Doe, one Shadedsun had glimpsed in their final days together: Doe was always pushing. Always testing the waters, always seeing how far he could push something before the other cat responded. He’d never done that with Chim before, had been too swept up in the romance to even stop to think about it - he’d brought out the best in him, brought out everything that he truly was: kind, and gentle, and full of love. Now, however, Doe recognised the difference between them: over these past two years, Chim had grown. He’d healed, or started to. He was stronger. Doe had been left behind. Not in a physical way, not in the sense that Chim had moved on - but psychologically, he was where Doe wanted to be as well. Grief rushed through him, enough to make his chin quiver. He was the same cat he’d been two years ago. He’d thought he’d changed, thought he’d grown - those two years he’d spent wandering, spent thinking and realising and weeping, he’d thought they’d moulded him into something new. Something better. Something more ready to face the world. Now, seeing it in the flesh, seeing progress, he was faced with just how little he’d actually improved. How little any of it mattered. He didn’t want to be like this. He was so tired. He was… gods, he was so tired. He almost burst into tears right then and there, almost crumpled to the ground and wept. Help me, he wanted to plead. Even if you can’t love me, help me.
He caught himself quickly, standing up more resolutely and forcing the quivering grimace back into a patchwork smile. Tears welled in his eyes, threatening to spill over. He began to sweep past Chim, throwing him a dismissively taunting glance over his shoulder and flicking his tail-tip. Then, Chim’s last words caught up to him. He rounded on him, spitting with rage. “Owe you?” Doe burst out, letting out a ruined laugh and closing the distance between them. He searched his gaze, all the while begging him not to listen to a word he said. “What do I owe you, Chim? Do I owe you thanks for caring for me? I hadn’t realised it was a contract. Do I owe you thanks for sitting by my grave - I was there, by the way, thank you so much for the flowers -? It wasn’t long before you left.” That wasn’t fair. SummerClan had never been Chim’s home, why should he have stayed? Shut up, he pleaded with himself. Shut up. Shut up. He leaned in, almost close enough for their noses to touch. “What do you want me to say? I’m happy to see you? I am - you know damn well I am. You’ve always known how I’ve felt about you. So thank you, Chim - thank you for picking open the wound just to give yourself a little ego trip. ‘I wonder if Doestar- oh, aha, no, sorry, Doefreckle, still carries a torch for me? I know, I’ll go dangle myself just out of reach! In front of the tom who dreamed of being my mate!’ Why are you even here? Just to torment me? I-“
He had been about to say something about love. About Pygmyprawn. He caught himself, mouth open, and instead sucked in a shallow breath of freezing air. His mouth clamped shut, exhaling the breath through his nose. He wouldn’t stoop to that level yet. He stared into Chim’s eye, chin twitching and whiskers quivering with the force it took not to let everything spill out. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He’d imagined this moment for moons, for seasons. It was supposed to be something beautiful. It was supposed to be something warm.
Instead, he was hurting too much, for reasons unrelated to Chim, to be anything but a monster. To do anything but hurt him back, for nothing, for being kind.
Finally, a sob bubbled up out of Doe’s throat. The snarl, the sharp teeth, the burning gaze; they crumbled into something lost and empty and afraid. He stared at Chim for a moment, horror flooding his face as all his own words came crashing back down. His mouth twisted downward, eyes scrunching up. He turned his head away, limping hurriedly a few paces away. Back turned to Chim, he sobbed terribly, that awful sort of sobbing that’s all gasping, painful breaths and raw throat and rasping bursts of sound and lungs that can’t get enough air. “I’m sorry,” he choked out between the sobs. He sagged into a crouch, covering his face with his paw as he continued to hiccup and shake. “I’m a wreck. I’m a complete wreck. I- you didn’t deserve any of that. You’re worth everything. You’re- everything.”
Chim physically recoiled, jerking back from the sudden venom of his old flame's words, resting him for lashing out, hating himself because the former leader was right. His lips drew back in a snarl of his own, but it was weak, it held none of the bitterness that once laced him because this was not a pain that he could mistake so easily.
He wanted to believe him. When Doe broke down, he longed to reach out and comfort him, to hold him close. But it was all a lie, one so sweet he wished it could be real, one he had pretended was true for so long, but a lie nonetheless.
Now that he had seen Doefreckle himself, well and truly alive; now that he had felt the slap of his honest words — he could no longer keep the creeping thoughts at bay, and he let them devastate him.
Because if Doefreckle was not dead, then it had truly been his choice to leave. He had orchestrated his own false death, his own burial, his own grave so that he could escape. It had not been some twisted, cosmic joke to take his lover away; it was so much worse than that. He said it himself, he had been there in the brush, watching Chim grieve, and he had done nothing.
What if I never stop needing you? Chim had asked him when they lay in that secret hollow Doe had built just for them.
Doefreckle left the clan, left him, of his own free will. In the end, he didn’t want Chim. He wasn’t enough. He didn't owe him anything; Chim owed him an apology, the biggest he could manage, but even now he couldn't find the words to stitch it together. Chim didn't handle emotions, they both knew that, and the weight of his realization threatened to crush him.
Chim had spent so long pulling the pieces of himself together and now he was barely holding it together. So much good in his life he had only been able to accept because Doe nurtured the good in him, and now the very foundation beneath his paws was crumbling. Doe had come back to the clan once he heard Chim was gone for good, and now he was here invading his space, dragging up traumatic memories, picking open that wound for no good reason, just because he had refused to accept one very simple truth.
"I understand now," Chim rasped, his voice hollow as his gaze fell listlessly to his paws. "You can stop now, I-- you don't need to keep up the performance for me." How many nights had Doe laid beside him, hoping that one day he would escape? Planning his own fake death just so he could get away from him? Did he mean anything he said or was it all a trick because he couldn't tell Chim the truth, because he was such a terrible partner that Doe couldn't even break up with him without pretending to die?
The agony in his heart was excruciating and maybe now he was feeling a fraction of the pain he deserved for putting Doe through all of this.
He turned away so Doe couldn't see how wet his eye had become, as if the former leader couldn't recognize the grief ringing in his mew, as if his quiet sniffling wasn't unmistakable. Gods, he couldn't even get this one thing right without making it all about him, could he?
"I won't bother you again. I'm.... I'm sorry. For what it's worth."
Doe was so floored that he stopped crying almost at once. What? His face scrunched up in confusion. Tears still ran down his cheeks and he was still sniffling, his chest spasming painfully with hiccups and gasps, but the spiralling grief had been replaced by utter bewilderment. His head felt suddenly clear; he almost laughed, and maybe he did - there was one particular hiccuping sob that sounded close to a disbelieving burst of laughter. “What?” he asked out loud, voice raw and rasping. There ought to have been some amount of sadness, of guilt - did Chim truly think so little of himself that he’d conjure up some false story just to put himself in blame’s way? - but instead, in the heady mix of emotions churning through Doe, amusement made its way to the fore. He felt light-headed, high. He’d barely eaten, barely had anything to drink over the last week; now, he felt it catching up to him. He let out a dizzy little laugh, looking over his shoulder at the ginger tom. His eyes looked a shade brighter.
Rising to his paws, grass and flower petals clinging to his legs and chest, Doe limped over to Chim, bowing his head to force him to look at him. “Chim, you’re not serious.” All the anger in his voice was gone - now he just sounded bemused, sad, regretful. “I was dead. I should be offended that you think my feelings are a performance, but that’s- I’m sorry, do you seriously think I was pretending?” He stared at him for a moment, wide-eyed, before flopping down into a sitting position, still gaping at him. He licked his lips and raised his eyes to the stormy sky, mouth open in a small, disbelieving smile like he was asking the heavens if they were seeing this too, and let out a small breath of laughter. He looked back down at Chim, a little of his old personality seeping back in. “I’d have to be pretty good to do that. What exactly are the logistics of faking your own death? Well, you’d have to get a body from somewhere, to start with. A calico body. Or am I more tortoiseshell? I never know. Getting past the fact you not even being able to tell the difference between me and some other random calico would be incredibly wounding, that would truly be a fantastic amount of effort to go to. Then I’d have to leave Shadedsun, Beetuft, my daughters, my brother- oh, Chim, the list goes on. But no, you’re right, you were so terrible to me that that truly was the only option. You were so gentle and so good that my only logical thought was, ‘oh, God, I have to get away from this. Being treated like something other than a second class citizen? Unthinkable. Intolerable. Quick, get me a body.’” He held up his good paw and gave Chim a look like he was saying ‘really?’
His voice grew quieter. “If it were up to me, I would never have left you. Not in a thousand years. I would have followed you anywhere, would have grown old with you, would have kept being a pain in your side until we had matching grey fur.” He gave Chim a small smile. His paw twitched - he wanted to reach out and touch his muzzle, wanted to press his nose into his fur and breathe in that familiar scent, see what had changed, what was the same. He didn’t. “I loved you. I loved you since I first marched into the WaterClan camp and you insulted me. I still love you.” Doe looked down. “Pygmyprawn, Shadedsun - despite them, I’ll always love you.” He met Chim’s gaze again, frowning. “So you can imagine how hurtful it is to be accused of willingly abandoning you. I was hit by a car, you idiot - bit hard to find a cat with matching wounds. And they hurt. It hurt. How dare you say none of that was real? I went through hell for those two years. I was here, but no one could see me. No one could hear me. Not you, not Shadedsun, not my kits. You left, they died - I watched Shadedsun’s funeral. Can you imagine how that felt? So don’t sit there and tell me what I went through was some mastermind ploy to get out of loving you. It was an honour to love you. It was the only truly great thing I’ve ever done. And I’ll never stop hating the world for taking it from me.”
His ugly face compressed into a snarl and a threatening cry began in the back of his throat, forcefully drowning out his companion. He jerked back when Doe stepped into his way, teeth bared, but Doe didn't leave. Didn't he understand he was giving him a chance this time? He could go, he was free, but instead, he was here. That used to mean something.
"I never saw the body, just the grave," he muttered low under his breath, refuting every excuse even as Doe offered the next one. "Maybe you told Shadedsun why you had to leave. Maybe he was going to come with you. How am I supposed to know? You left me out of the plan." Tears streamed down the harsh ridges of his snarl. Chim knew ghosts, he had lived with one. If Doe was a ghost, he could have seen him, could have held him, but he had never seen even a hint of freckles or caught his scent other than in the medicine cat den when the true herbs were near.
He could see it was all a lie, but that tiny smile and breathless laughter, the way he spoke— it all felt so real, it felt like Doefreckle, it felt like his deputy was there with him again. Anyone else would have frustrated him, he would have hated the mockery in their questions, but instead,e he just felt like the grandest of fools and maybe a scarce part of him, some tiny twisted scrap, wanted to believe Doe again, that he really did care, that Chim wasn't some monster that had driven him away. It was silly. How he could be drowning here in the deep, finally accepting the hard truth that he had driven Doe away, and then change his mind? Chim was stubborn. He had made his decision. But even if he didn't understand what had happened the last two years, he knew that now, this time, it really was Doe in front of him, because no other cat could tempt him to rethink his entire life with just that one little smile.
Chim took a deep breath and closed his eye. He didn't know what to think, what to do— he felt deranged, exhausted, his emotions were spinning so far out of paw, and this was why he hated feelings, they never made any sense. It was only just a few days ago that he genuinely thought Doe was dead, and now he knew it was true, but even if he tried to accept that Doe hadn't left him— the words were so hard to piece together, but he had to say them again: Doe really didn't choose to leave him— he couldn't just shake away the dread he felt, could he? He still felt so broken again, unwanted, even if Doe was promising the opposite.
He needed time to think but he didn't have any, so as a new thought occurred to him, he found he was suddenly laughing, raw and shaky and maddened, and the snarl was gone from his face.
"Thank you," Chim told him, the corners of his mouth twisting, "for saying Pygmyprawn and not Firetooth."
It was such a stupid thing to think of now. His hatred of his medicine cat had been SwiftClan's grandest joke, to the point the tom had once proposed to him, and it was a miracle to be around other cats again and not have them bring it up. And here he was, bringing it up, looking like an idiot again because who said that sort of thing right now? but at least it broke the silence in his head and he could think.
Chim sucked in a long breath and shook his head. "I want to believe you," he murmured, his voice gentle but still full of doubts. "I do. But I don't know if I can. I don't know if it matters. I still hurt you, didn't I?" His smile was jagged as he stared back at Doefreckle. "And you hurt me back then, even if— maybe— it wasn't your fault. I shouldn't have come back here."
Doe listened quietly, refuting each of Chim's explanations with a soft hum. He sat down, watching him with sad eyes and an expression that alternated between silent sorrow and gentle attempts at a comforting smile whenever he thought he might be able to catch Chim's eye. He was breaking his heart. When Chim began to cry, Doe shuffled imperceptibly closer, aching to reach out and hold him; and when he cracked that sardonic joke that Doe didn't understand, he smiled along with him and offered a soft breath of laughter through his nose, hunching down again to try and get him to meet his eye.
"Chim," he whispered into the silence that finally settled over them, heart aching in his chest. "You never hurt me. Before you, I was lost. Every new moon, when the last one ended and the next one began, I'd look up at that claw scratch in the sky and wonder if it was going to be my last. I didn't think I was going to make it as long as I did. Didn't think I was ever going to see adulthood. I was broken, and because I was broken I sought out toms who'd break me further. And then I met you. You were the first tom I'd ever known, ever loved, who was gentle with me. You touched me and it was like... It was like finding somewhere I could lie down and my bones wouldn't hurt. It was like being held by water. For the first time in my whole life, I felt safe. You came into my life when I was at a fork in the road - I could either continue down that path I'd been walking since I was a child, or I could take a chance and find something beautiful. You offered me hope when all I'd ever known was horror. You offered me strength. Kindness. Love, in the softest sense of the word. Before you, I never knew what it truly meant."
He swallowed, and finally his voice cracked. "So no, Chim, you should have come back here. And I'm happier than I could ever say that you did. And I'm sorry for hurting you." His voice grew tearful, crackly. "I'm sorry to you, and I'm sorry to me, and I'm sorry to everything we could have been if the universe didn't destroy everything good and pure that ever tried to rise above all this suffering."
Somewhere in the last two years, something must have become twisted; the voice Doe spoke with was clearly his own, yet wasn't that Chim's story leaving his lips? He had quietly wasted away for so many moons, his clan suffering under his useless weight, and it was his family that eventually drew him up from those depths, but they had just been imbuing his body with a purpose and praying for the best. But he hadn't been willing to believe his worth when it came from the clan that was obligated to serve at his side; it took a soft outsider to let him see maybe he wasn't who he thought he was. (Well... an outsider, or perhaps just a cute face; Chim always did have a weakness for those.)
The comparisons to his own life trailed away as Doefreckle went on. Not because he couldn't make them— Doefreckle had taught him a new, vulnerable kind of love, and so much more— but so he could instead close his eye and indulge in the sweet feelings the former leader brought out in him. His guard fell away piece by piece, word by word, and he let it. Once it was over, and Doefreckle was silent, he opened his eyes and quietly traced the tear trails down his face, a familiar ache growing inside of him.
"Doefreckle," he murmured, stepping in close and bending his face closer. Wanting nothing more than to cradle him close, but he held himself back, hesitant, uncertain. He couldn't afford to cross any lines now, to push him away further. Wasn't it cruel to stand so close and not comfort him? Was it crueller still to pretend he still had any right to touch him, knowing Doe had once felt so strongly about him, knowing he still had a mate to return home to, that this fleeting moment would never last? Those were questions he couldn't answer, Doefreckle was the intimate one, so finally, he eased back a step back again.
"I don't know what we could have had if things were different," Chim admitted lowly, struggling to put the words together, "but the way things are now... all I'm doing now is tearing open old scars. It was— selfish. Like you said. I shouldn't be making you happy now. I should be letting you move on."
For a moment - for one breathless, beautiful moment - Doe thought Chim was going to close the distance between them. Was going to touch him. He raised his eyes, staring at him with a tearful gaze flooded with hope, with pleading; he didn't dare breathe, didn't dare move, just silently begged him to follow his instincts and give them both the relief that the air around them was crackling for. Then Chim moved away. Doe let out a gasping breath, bowing his head. Frustration, driven to breaking point by exhaustion and hunger and fresh grief, surged through him. Wasn't he supposed to be the one leading this little dance of theirs, the one they'd started back in the WaterClan camp all those years ago? Everything was turned on its head. He felt lost, confused, adrift.
"Forget what I said," he finally replied, voice just this side of a cry. He wanted to beg Chim to stop calling him Doefreckle, wanted that shred of intimacy back that came of being called a nickname no one else used and no one else understood, but he didn't want to make him close up again by telling him off. He turned his head to look at him. "I was surprised to see you and I-" He broke off, struggling to find the words, struggling to make sense of everything swirling through his head. "I've turned over what I might say to you for the last two years and it wasn't meant to be that. It wasn't meant to be any of this. I don't..." For a long moment he just stared at Chim, eyes ruined. When he finally spoke again, his voice was little more than a whisper. "I don't..."
I don't want to move on.
He couldn't say it. It wasn't fair. None of it was fair. Swallowing, ignoring the rain misting over his pelt, he let out a small choking sound to clear his throat and shook his head, frowning down unseeingly at his paws for a moment. Finally, he looked up again, face soft and eyes gentle. "Can we start over?" he breathed. "From the beginning? Pretend you spoke to me and I did everything right. Pretend I touched my forehead to yours and said all the things I always imagined I'd say to you. Pretend I congratulated you about Pygmyprawn, because it really is the funniest thing in the world that the two cats we ended up loving were the best friends who'd been standing right there in front of us the whole time." He let out a soft little laugh, smile shaky but genuine. "Pretend I was as kind and happy as you deserve. Pretend I'm not... being completely and utterly pathetic right now." He laughed again, this one self-deprecating. He threw his head back to the first stars just beginning to appear in the sky. The rain fell down on his face. "Oh my God, I've really hit peak pitiful, haven't I? My dad would be so happy to be proved right. He always said I was too effeminate to be any son of his - all those emotions."
The smile held for a few moments. Then, finally, he lowered his eyes, rain collecting on his chin and dripping onto the muddy grass below them. He gazed at Chim for a long time - just gazed at him, taking in every detail of his face, of his scars, of... him. If he was going to lose him, if this was their last night together, he wanted to remember everything about him. Finally, softly, he asked, "will you stay awhile? Come with me out of the rain?"
Chim was so damn terrified of what might follow those words... he would survive if Doefreckle found someone else to live with, he would be happy for him every step of the way, and he would wish for him to have a long and happy life and maybe even to forget what they had, if it made things easier, if it was even possible. It would hurt, but it was only fair. He deserved a chance at happiness, at love. But there was something in that soft tone, in those soulful brown eyes, or maybe it was just his pleading heart playing tricks on him, but he swore those weren't the words waiting on the tip of his lover's tongue, and he was betraying everything when he hung onto those unspoken words, hoping against hope to hear them.
He had spent so long building up his life but for an instant, he would have traded it all away just to hear that sentence finished, just to dream of a life he'd long ago given up hope for.
When Doefreckle broke the silence, he sighed, but his heart started beating again and reason won out in the end. Can we start over? was almost as good of a question as what he'd hoped for, but he held onto reality now, other than the despondent downward tug at his lips, his face falling without his permission as he felt himself losing Doefreckle, permanently this time, and by choice.
"Rain?" he murmured absently, and finally he was reminded of the dark clouds overhead and the sea crashing beneath them and the rain plastering his pelt to his sides. His ears flattened, he preferred swimming in water to sitting in the rain, but it was not all that bad and it was worth every moment they had left. "Yeah."
He hesitated again, wanting to reach out, but the moment passed quickly this time and he turned away, surveying the edge of the cliffs. Then he smiled a little, remembering: "I thought you were just leaving? I don't want to keep you from your patrol."
Doe smiled at Chim for a long moment, the rain beading off his own whiskers and making them droop. He would have stayed like that forever, in the rain that was beginning to pour, with the ocean hissing against the cliffs and Chim there in front of him, close enough to touch. He would have given anything. As night gathered and began to truly fall, Doe was struck by one wistful, aching thought, by one moment of terror - the last night they’d spent together, it had been full of new beginnings, of breathless anticipation at what the future could hold; it had been just one night at the start of what might have been the rest of their lives, and the ending of it hadn’t mattered when compared to all the time they had left. Now, at the end of this night, it would be the end. By the time dawn broke, it would be over. Doe wanted to throw himself against time itself to stop it from turning, would have done anything, would have sold his soul, to make each hour last longer. But he couldn’t.
A few more hours, and then the story book would close on this love story.
He sucked in a shaky breath and brightened his smile. If this was all the time they had left, he wasn’t going to think about it now. He was going to live it. I thought you were just leaving? “Oh, shut up, Chimerahunt,” Doe growled, pulling himself to his paws and fixing Chim with a teasing look, his eyes scrunched up and glittering. He let out a purr. His heart squeezed at the sight of Chim's smile, however fleeting. “You know I’m a terrible liar. Although - faking my own death.” He tilted his head, considering. “Apparently I’m much better than I thought I was.” Was it too early to joke about that? Probably. Didn’t stop him.
Grinning crookedly, Doe flicked Chim’s cheek with his tail to tell him to follow him and limp-trotted away. He had the same walk he’d always had since his paw was broken, that clumsy trot that made him bounce up and down far more than the average cat, like he was rising and falling on waves at sea. As he led the way toward the old red barn at the edge of SummerClan territory, he found that he loved the rain, if only because it was a visceral reminder that he was alive, that Chim was here, that this night was real. He smiled against it, purring as the droplets ran down his face and darkened his pelt. The calico dimmed to a muddy mess of ginger and brown.
Giving the SummerClan camp a wide berth, Doe slipped through the orange grove, picking up a little of his old scent as he brushed past the fruit that had already fallen, and nosed his way around the edge of the barn’s tall, wooden door. He limped into the warmth within, giving himself a good shake and looking around, pleased with himself. The air smelled of warm straw, prey and rain-dampened wood. A single light bulb on the far wall cast a soft orange glow over everything, deep, comforting shadows gathering in the corners. The rain beat down on the roof high above them and hissed down onto the ground beyond the door, spraying the occasional droplets into the dim warmth.
It seemed to be a habit of Doe’s, bringing Chim into close contact with twoleg inventions. He supposed after his time with SwiftClan, he might be a little more used to it now. “No blanket this time,” he purred softly, eyes catching the light in the dark and flashing pale yellow for a heartbeat. “But it’ll do.” Motioning towards the centre of the barn with a gentle jerk of his head, Doe padded over to the straw-strewn ground and settled down, giving his head another little shake to throw off the last of the rain. His fur was already starting to warm. His heart ached in his chest; he smiled harder, trying to push it away. Ten minutes of the night gone.
Chim rolled his eyes. "Next time you fake your death, I'm digging up your corpse," he scoffed, "so you better find a good match." He followed tamely at Doefreckle's side, planning on watching the sea as they passed by. They had extended their borders after he was exiled from SummerClan, so he had never been so close to the great rushing waters, and the hungry sea was overwhelming and enchanting at the same time. He'd swam in rivers and streams before, even the large lakes near the League and on the SummerClan/SpringClan border, but this water was endless, rolling back as far as the eye could see.
But even that vast, untapped pool of unknown fish couldn't hold his attention for long - not when Doe was here, not when he was so close. Chim lagged behind a few steps, letting the former leader show him the way, and it offered him the opportunity for some unabashed admiring. He couldn't keep his eyes off of Doe and watching his unique gait brought a smile back to his face, and this time he let it stay; Doe walked like no cat he had ever known and it was reassuring to be with him again, to know not everything had changed, even if he was older and Doefreckle had lost his sweet scent to time.
He looked up as they entered the barn, suspicious still of the roof arching far overhead and the walls surrounding them. SwiftClan had exposed him to more of the twoleg world than he had liked, but he had always been careful to pick dens that were still in the untamed wild; if he was honest, enclosed spaces made him more nervous now than they used to. WaterClan's camp had been in a cave behind a waterfall, and the rock had once been a supportive, infallible space, but then the floods had nearly killed them all in their nests when the swirling waters started to accumulate between their stone walls. He would never forget feeling so trapped; too weak to fight the current, too panicked to gather his strength, still recovering from his last death, the waters had stolen him away from his clan and spit him out leagues away. Suffice to say that memory would never leave him.
But this wasn't the cave, and it was nice to step out of the rain, so he let out a long, slow breath to ease his racing heart. He let Doe get only a few steps away before he shook himself vigorously, droplets of water flying from his paws and his short fur until his ears hurt from the sudden motion. By the time he was done, his ginger fur stood up in short, erratic spikes, slick but no longer dripping, so he contently padded closer and sat down opposite Doefreckle.
"It'll do," he agreed, "but if I'm honest... the blanket was much more comfortable."
Doe squeezed one eye shut and scrunched the other one up as Chim shook himself, watching with a smile and a purr. “You look like a hedgehog,” he teased, eyes still creased up by his bright little grin. At Chim’s grumble about the blanket, he rolled his eyes. “You’re never pleased with anything. I could make you the most wonderful den filled with wild strawberries and a little stream that brought you the fattest fish that ever swam and you’d be like,” he mimicked Chim’s voice, tucking his chin into his throat and forcing a grim glower, “the craftsmanship on the roof is subpar.” He burst into purring, rolling over onto his side and kneading his good paw against the straw. His eyes were happy little slits.
Now that they were alone, in the close shadows of the barn and with no prying eyes to see, Doe didn’t know what to do. Well, of course, he knew what he’d like to do, but none of the options were fair to Chim or to Pygmyprawn. He was many things, but he wasn’t a home-wrecker. He felt suddenly shy, self-conscious, nervous - achingly aware of the quiet, of the warmth settling over him, of the rain dripping outside, of the ginger tom in front of him. It felt like the cruellest cosmic joke any god had ever played: the last time he was with Chim, he could have reached out and touched him, could have done anything, would have been certain that whatever he did was welcome and allowed; now, with a whole lifetime between them, he couldn’t do that. Maybe he could. He didn’t know. Everything had changed, and at the same time nothing had. He wanted to move closer and groom the rain out of Chim’s fur, wanted to feel his warmth and the weight of his body - was that innocent enough? Was that allowed, or was that a selfish encroachment on the invisible boundary that now lay around him? The last two years had been a gaping wound for the both of them, impossible to find the right herbs for because how do you heal something that you can’t explain, that you can’t understand, that you can’t see? That was never supposed to exist in the first place? That was nothing more than a terrible, beautiful, confusing accident?
How are you supposed to cope with that?
How are you supposed to move on from that? When moving on wasn’t what was supposed to happen, when it was supposed to be forever?
Doe didn’t feel that Pygmyprawn had taken something from him, because Chim wasn’t something to have, wasn’t some prize. His grief wasn’t about that.
It was because he knew, deep down, in some unknowable place, that it was always going to end like this. Pygmyprawn hadn’t walked in on his love story with Chim; he’d walked in on theirs. He could have made Chim happy. But could he have made him happier than her?
Now he’d just spend the rest of his life wondering. Spend the rest of his life in love with a question.
Doe swallowed painfully. He rolled over, lying more upright. The smile had long since faded, replaced by something soft and empty and sad. A droplet of water dripped from his little ear tuft and slipped down his cheek. And then he was speaking, quiet and halting and little more than a whisper, raising his head to look into Chim’s eye. It was a last ditch attempt, a final fragile hope. “If you ever… What I mean is, if you and Pygmyprawn… If you ever find that two gets lonely, I could…” I could love the both of you. I could love her, even if it wouldn’t be the same way I love you…
He couldn’t leave SummerClan - not now, not yet... But the thought of having someone out there who knew he loved him and who loved him back, the thought of someone loving Chim when he wasn’t there, of visiting them, of the three of them together in a den at night… His heart squeezed. It was a daydream, a stupid fancy that would never happen… He wanted it so much it hurt.
His brows pushed upward in a sad, soft frown. “I could visit and we could be…” A trio of lovers. Doe silently pleaded with Chim to understand. He couldn’t speak the words out loud - couldn’t bear the terror of rejection, couldn’t strip himself of the last semblance of pride though he was already completely stripped of dignity, couldn’t handle laying his heart bare just to have it cast aside - but his miserable frown and wide eyes - grief-stricken and desperate and teary but with all the warmth and softness of his heart - told everything. He hoped… Oh, god, he hoped.
It was supposed to be a last night filled with happiness, filled with closure, filled with the letting go of a love that was never meant to be. It was supposed to be talk that didn't matter but that meant the world because of who was saying it; it was supposed to be... goodbye. He'd almost accepted it, almost opened himself up to a life that didn't have Chim in it. Now, the terror of that was enough to drown him.
He laughed at the imitation even as he shook his head in disapproval, thinking he couldn't be that picky. A comfortable, quiet place to sleep didn't seem like much to ask, though thinking back to his clan, perhaps it was. Leadership had left him with little time to himself - when he wasn't being harassed by well-meaning but annoying clanmates, his father was inserting himself into his dreams to scold him. A joke sprang to mind and he was readying himself to speak when Doe rolled over, and the look on his face made Chim frown.
Though he held Doefreckle's gaze as he spoke, his one eye gave away nothing; honestly, he didn't know what to think. Back then, he knew about the complicated relationships between the mountain clan leaders; he had seen them together at the gatherings, heard about the family were raising together, and had accepted it despite not really understanding how they felt about each other. Doestar was an entirely different clan, a part of Chim had always held back knowing they couldn't be together, and it wasn't his place to question them, but he had never imagined being in a similar situation. Frankly— as recent as yesterday— he had never believed he was capable of loving more than one cat like that. It had taken him so long to trust Pygmyprawn with his heart, and to think of being so vulnerable with another.... it was unimaginable.
But Doefreckle was alive again, and Chim's feelings were still as raw as the raw he died. He could still see the life they could have built together... a clan full of fresh faces and beautiful flowers for Doefreckle, cats he could hum songs with as they decorated the camp with blankets and other strange objects, and a quiet hideaway in the corner of the land where he could live with Chim away from prying eyes... but it was just a dream now, wasn't it?
Melancholy, he shook his head again, his brow softening as he looked down at his paws. "I can't... I can't ask you to do that, Doefreckle," he murmured. "You say you want it now, but you would be so unhappy. We live in this quiet little den far away from the clans, closer to SkyClan than the clans here—" he paused, looking up with the barest hint of a smile; Doefreckle would have loved to meet the new clans he'd discovered, "—that's a long story, but there's this neat little hole we joke used to be a prison. It's so quiet. The predators pass by in silence, they don't care that we're there, and the prey comes near the river to drink. In most moons, we don't see other cats at all. I think it's a peaceful place to live, but you need more than that. We wouldn't be enough for you." There was no bitterness in his voice; he loved to live alone now that he was comfortable with his own thoughts, but it wasn't a life for everyone. Doefreckle needed more, he loved being with others, and Chim wouldn't take that away from him.
No, Chim was resigned to the fact they would never be together. It hurt to leave him behind, but he knew it must be the right choice. He couldn't ask Pygmyprawn to accept someone new, and he couldn't ask Doefreckle to waste his new life. Acceptance came easier than he expected... painful, with a fresh wave of grief, but he had wrestled that familiar demon before.
Tentatively he reached out to lay his paw over Doefreckle's scarred pad, moving so slowly the night might end before he could reach him, his eyes daring the tom to give him any reason to pull away, just a hint that he was being cruel again. He knew he was. That rational voice in his head insisted this was worse than before; he knew how Doefreckle felt, he knew he was just kicking dirt into the wound, but he said it anyway:
"You just came back to life, Doefreckle. I can't, I won't, let you throw it away for me."
Doe had been waiting for Chim's response in pinched, desolate silence, knowing what the answer would be but trying to convince himself it would be something else. When Chim's first words dashed that frail hope, he met his eye for a moment longer, swallowing against the lump in his throat, before finally letting out a gasping breath and bowing his head. He stayed like that for as long as Chim spoke, eyes closed; his new home sounded perfect for him. And he was right. Since coming back, Doe was different - he was quieter, he craved peace and silence, he appreciated solitude more than he ever had before; but it was never going to be to the degree Chim did. He could pretend otherwise, could imagine a life out there in the quiet and convince himself he'd love it... And maybe for a while he would. But he would get restless. He would get lonely. He would disturb the life Chim and Pygmy had cobbled together for themselves. He would be a burden to them, and, though he didn't want to believe it, their life may become a burden to him. Even if Doe felt older now, he knew he was still young compared to Chim. Chim had lived his life; Doe hadn't yet. Maybe one day, maybe in StarClan, maybe once both their journeys were done and forgotten and they were just two more names lost to history and the coldness of time...
But not here.
Not now.
The reality was, this would likely be the last time they saw each other. Chim wasn't as old as he liked to make out he was, but he... One day, he would die. And Doe wouldn't be there.
The thought made him want to weep aloud, weep terribly and never stop, but he was already too exhausted by all the spilled tears; he just let out another shaky breath and wiped his good paw against his eye. I think it's a peaceful place to live. He looked up, offering Chim a small, happy smile. This new life he had was everything Chim had ever wanted.
When Chim laid his paw upon his own, Doe's smile grew, shaky around the edges with all the grief he wouldn't let spill out - but it was a smile no less, a true, genuine smile, one filled with acceptance and love and a thousand words for goodbye, and good luck, and thank you for everything we had and everything you gave me, and be happy. Above all else, that: please. Please be happy. But gazing back at Chim, he knew he already was. When Doe had first known him, the other tom had been lost, angry, broken, confused, afraid. Now, there was calm behind his eyes. There was belonging. There was peace. He tipped his head, a tear running down his cheek and dripping down onto the straw. "Being with you would never be throwing anything away," he replied softly. "And a part of me will always wish it were me in Pygmyprawn's place. A big part of me. Right now, all of me. But you deserve her. And she deserves you. I'm just," he looked down, letting out a tearful little laugh, "so grateful for the time we did spend together." He looked back up. "And the fact you're even worried about me throwing my life away just shows how lucky I am to have known you. To have gotten the chance to love you. No one else has ever done that before. You're kind, Chim, and good, and I wish you the happiest, most peaceful life any cat has ever had. You deserve it more than anyone I've ever known. You've suffered, and you've lost so much, and to just... To see how beautiful you are despite all of it... I'll never be able to thank you enough for the strength you gave me, and I'll never stop being thankful to Pygmyprawn for giving you everything you've ever wanted."
The tears were flowing freely now. Throwing all common courtesies to the wind, Doe swept forward, curling up against Chim and pressing their foreheads together desperately. There was nothing hopeful about that action now, nothing underhanded; it was just love, and comfort, and goodbye. He let out a shuddering breath, eyes closed, trying to memorise everything about Chim - the feeling of him against him, the smell of his fur, the warmth of his body, his bones and angles, the familiar and the new and everything he'd ever loved. "And for the love of all that's holy, please stop calling me Doefreckle," he laughed quietly, eyes still closed against the bridge of Chim's nose. His tears were dampening both their fur. "It's deputy or nothing."
"Doe . . . " His weak voice trembled and trailed away, the words he wanted to speak unbalanced and so clumsy on his tongue. He wanted, he needed to tell him he felt the same, that he wished him every happiness, that he would do nearly anything to help him find it somewhere else, but every thought was inadequate, and he was rendered dumb and speechless by the soft look on his former lover's face. Gods, how could he put words to the feelings inside of him now that he was looking like that, fighting so hard to smile?
A sigh escaped his lips as he buried his face in Doefreckle's neck, soft in his embrace. His warm scent filled him to the brim as he pulled back to rest his forehead against his, wishing he could still smell the rosemary and citrus just one more time beneath that earthy aroma. "Alright, deputy," he laughed, rough and raspy in his throat. "Alright."
He leaned into his touch and let his mind fill with thoughts of him. Funny; they had known each other for such a short time, but their parting could still cause him so much pain. then and now. His eye was shut, but in the darkness was his deputy's soft, effortless smile, open and trusting and unrepentant; beneath the soft patter of raindrops on the roof he let Doefreckle's soft speech roll through his mind again, every hovering line sweet and tender and full of so much love. Even when Chim rejected him, he was still so full of impossible love.
Maybe not so impossible. His eye opened halfway to watch his companion and a rusty rumble began deep in his chest. "My speech is a little shorter if you don't mind," he told him, a little amused, "but: I love you too."
That summed up it all up nicely, he thought, feeling some satisfaction to finally put the words out there. He did have a knack for saying things more concisely than Doefreckle, didn't he?
"And if you don't go find a way to make yourself happy, then I'll lock you in with Pygmyprawn and you can be the most miserable pair in existence." They all thought he was grouchy; try spending a few minutes with his prickly little gremlin.
Alright, deputy. Alright. Doe smiled, warm and full, and let out a burst of soft, crackly laughter, relieved and joyful and in love with the silliness of it, the meaning of it, the shared little knowledge that only the two of them would ever hold. He gazed into Chim’s eye; up this close everything was just a blur of colour, but his heart still ached with happiness. Doe closed his eyes, breathed him in; he rubbed his forehead against Chim’s for a brief moment before dropping his head to his neck, burying his muzzle in his pale ginger fur. His eyes were still closed. He didn’t ever want to open them again, didn’t want to give the night any reason to move faster, didn’t want to exist in a world where Chim wasn’t here, where his soft, damp fur didn’t surround him, where he couldn’t feel the thud of his heart against him and know he was there, he was safe, he was alright. Already there was the softness of peace settling over his grief, quietening the heartbreak; this was right. This was how it was meant to be. They couldn’t be together. But right now, right there, they were; Doe’s mind was silent, just filled with the other tom.
When Chim spoke again, Doe stayed where he was for a moment before finally raising his head with a smile - he met Chim’s gaze just in time to watch him say the words ‘I love you too.’ Doe didn’t say anything; his smile just grew, the edges shaking and his chin trembling uncontrollably, his ears pressing against his head like he was too overcome to keep them up, like he was being physically crushed under the meaning of the words. The confession was like a breath Doe hadn’t known he’d been holding for almost three years; he could finally let it go, could exhale. He did, in an overwhelmed, joyous burst of breath. One of the world’s greatest secrets, one even Chim himself would balk to know of, was that the ginger tom, for all his posturing and insistence that he was an emotionless grump, was as gentle and uncorrupted as a newborn lamb. Even if Chim had never voiced his feelings properly, Doe had always known; Chim was very poor, once you understood him, at doing anything but wearing his heart on his sleeve, in his eye, in every line on his face.
But, no, that wasn’t quite true. Doe hadn’t known, not truly - he’d hoped, desperately, quietly, but even that had been dimmed out of respect and acceptance for Chim’s slow brand of loving. When he’d confessed the weight of his feelings, that last night in the birch trees, Chim hadn’t been ready yet. He’d been falling in love, slowly - but he wasn’t there yet. He didn’t know if it was some trauma, some distrust, from his past, or if Chim just did everything carefully, but he hadn’t minded. Doe had hoped, had quietly assumed, he’d grow to love him, but he’d accepted, without protest and without resentment, with nothing but calm patience, that for a while he’d be the only one in love, waiting for his lover to catch up. But he hadn’t known.
Now, to hear it said, to finally have that confirmation, to know that even though Chim was with Pygymyprawn now, even though he loved her, there would still be a part of Chim’s heart that was his, tended to like a quiet little garden beside a stream… It was enough. It was everything. He found that even his resentment of the little she-cat slipped away; he suddenly felt an indescribable rush of care for her. He wanted Chim, maybe he even needed him - but he couldn’t have him, and he’d already accepted that, with surprising swiftness. It was just what was meant to be, what felt right, despite the agony of it. They’d had their journey together, had given each other what each of them had needed at the time, had been what the other needed; now, they were letting that go. It was the most peaceful Doe had ever felt, even as his heart was being torn in two. He loved him. Chim loved him. And when Chim loved, when he finally did, it was to the grave; and Doe was the same. To have that - that knowledge of companionship however far apart they would be for the rest of their lives - was enough to make Doe weep.
He half did; the rest of him was laughing, the sweet, bubbling, messy sort of laughter that comes from exhaustion and pure joy. He laughed at the amusement in the way Chim said he loved him; he laughed at his joke about Pygmyprawn, his heart swelling at how soft and intimate the joke was in the first place. “I promise,” he laughed, even as tears slipped down his cheeks; his voice was all stuffed up.
A little more of the night slipped away, but Doe found the thought didn’t terrify him as much as it had before.
He pressed his forehead to Chim’s one more time before rearranging himself to lie beside him, on his side facing him, his cheek on the warm straw. He smiled up at the other tom, eyes sleepy and tear-red and happy. The shadows around them were warm and low and dark. He could hear his own heartbeat thumping quietly, peacefully, against the ground. He lay there for a long time in silence, close to Chim, just tracing every detail of him with slow blinks and soft eyes. His thoughts drifted through the quiet, heavy and slow and calm, but they always came back to that moment in the end, to Chim. “How did you lose your eye?” he whispered at last, reaching out a paw to gently touch the edge of the scar. He’d never asked; on this final night, there was nothing stopping him. He searched Chim’s gaze; everything about Doe in that moment was honest, was gentle, was giving. The question wasn’t meant to be painful, wasn’t meant to pry; it was tender and quiet and sleep-slow, the dim glow of the far-off lantern casting the both of them into the safety of half-light.
