At Hywel’s mention of sleeping with a cannibal, Doe slammed his good paw down lightly on the other tom’s chest, giving him a wide, open-mouthed ’what are the chances!’ smile. “Oh my gosh! A hot cannibal re-broke my paw too! It was probably the same guy. What a small world when you’re gay, huh?” He was getting more comfortable using the word; he’d always gone to such lengths to avoid it before, had always used vague terms like ’toms like like me’ — but even that was a little too pointed. It was almost comical, if it weren’t so tragic — he was so loud with his sexuality, so effeminate, and yet any overt use of the word and he’d clamp down, hunch down, feel like maggots were crawling through his fur, like that word, just that word, didn’t apply to him. The fact he was consciously forcing himself to use it more was a massive deal. It was all part of healing and growing. Grinning faintly, he snickered as he looked down at Hywel; it wasn’t very nice to feel so pleased that Hywel hadn’t been happy without him either, that he’d gone off the deep end, but then Doefreckle was done pretending that he was nice. So much of his misery had come from that. So he was a witch with a b; so what?

As Hywel went on, Doe looked down at him with a half smile that dimpled both his cheeks, all squished up like he was so smug and cocky and happy that he was going to burst out laughing at any second. Someone being physically unable to move on from him — that was all he’d ever wanted. “Falling in love, huh?” he purred teasingly, leaning down from where he still lay atop the other tom to press his nose against his, giving his head a little shake so their noses squished. “Kinda gay, Hywel.” He grinned, so boyish and bright, their noses still pressed together and his eyes hooding seductively. “Like, what, you don’t want a pretty girl instead?” Still so drunk on happiness it felt like there were stars spinning in front of his eyes and fogging his head, he nuzzled along the other tom’s cheek, licking and nipping at the thick fur where his jaw met his neck. “Time’s running out to get rid of me.” He let out a high little laugh against Hywel’s neck, grinning as he moved down. The lights twinkled above and around them, washing their fur with shadows and gold. For the first time in his life, the future felt like forever.

***

After the NightClan invasion, Doe knew it was time to go home. And this time, there was no use fighting it. The invasion still lingered in his mind, less traumatic than NightClan’s occupation of SummerClan by pure jadedness but difficult to stomach all the same. It was still difficult to believe the little leader was Hywel’s nephew; they looked nothing alike. But he remembered the way the grey apprentice-aged tom had torn into Hywel in the attic over the unconscious she-kit, the way this leader had done nothing to interfere, the way he had looked more concerned for the apprentice than for his own uncle. In any other situation, Doe wouldn’t have begrudged him that; kin meant little to him. But he was warped by his closeness to Hywel, and so the crime seemed inexplicable and bitterly vile. He detested the tom for mostly petty reasons, and a few sweeping ones.

He’d brought Hywel out into the courtyard; it was just past dawn and the sky was pale blue-grey and endless, a colour that felt like Hywel could have disappeared into it. As Doe sat down in front of him, he was faintly guilty, faintly restless, eyes on the grass growing between the cobblestones, but the conviction in his heart was so strong, so over-powering, that there was no point to hating himself for it. Finally, he broke the silence.

“I need to go home, Hywel,” he murmured softly, looking down as he used his good paw to draw him closer, sweeping it back and forth over his chest fur like he was playing with his lapels. His head was bowed into the warmth between them; now he looked up, meeting his baby blue eyes and giving a small smile. The most wonderful thing, the thing that made him feel safe and loved and like he didn’t need to run away, was that he knew Hywel would let him go. He knew he’d understand. He knew he would be alright with sharing him with SummerClan. For the first time in his life, he knew he didn’t need to apologise for doing something for himself. “I’ve spent moons hoping it would go away and I could be happy here, but I always knew I was just pretending. Just… being stubborn. I need to be there.” The last few nights, the longing, the homesickness, had become so acute and so painful that he’d hardly been able to sleep. The night before, as he’d lain with Hywel in the darkness, he’d cried openly into his fur, sobbing and babbling incoherently about wanting to go home — and it had made him horribly guilty, to be lying there in this tom’s paws and telling him he wanted to be somewhere else, but it was the truth, the aching truth. He wanted to smell the honeysuckle on the night air; he wanted to hear the annoying kits when he was trying to doze in camp, and make an arrogant, prima donna nuisance of himself when someone tried to put him on patrol, and watch cats roll their eyes at him. He wanted to sleep next to Shaded and just do nothing with him all day. He had a place there; he’d made a place there. He’d forgotten, but now he knew. It was where he belonged. It was where he had always belonged. And Hywel hadn’t made him feel bad about it, even as he’d cried to him. He gave him his freedom. Doe loved him desperately for it.

“I need to be there, but I don’t want this to end. I won’t let it. We can continue on just like the old days — you come to me and I sneak you in for cute dates.” He gave a boyish little grin as he looked up at Hywel. “Foxstar can deal. One thing, though, one little thing you gotta live with —“ his little grin grew flirtier, cockier, “I won’t say I love you again until the day I propose to you and you say yes.” The grin stayed put, all teasing, self-assured arrogance, but it was gentle and pretend and tinged with sadness at the goodbye, too, however brief it would be. “And maybe…” He gazed into his eyes; that nervousness peculiar to Doefreckle settled over him, the nervousness that was slightly insistent, because he’d never been good at asking for what he wanted outright and so he’d learned to hint at it with a certain coquettish, spoiled inarguability. “Maybe one day you can come live with me.” Doe was selfish — if he was anything in the world, he was selfish. He had Shaded in SummerClan; he had a few of his kits. He hadn’t gone to SpringClan to be with Shaded — he had come to him. The ones he loved always came to him. Even Chim had eventually ended up there, though Doe had been gone by then by just a few days. And now he wanted Hywel with him. Didn’t matter how long he had to wait — he wanted all the things he cared about in one place. “Yeah?” He looked down again, brushing his good paw over Hywel’s chest fur again. “Maybe… All I need is a maybe. Then I can go.”

achromatic just in case you lost it <33 i’ll post the proposal thread!!