For a while after his return, Doefreckle hadn’t been able to sleep in the warriors’ den. At first, it had been pointed resentment - he sat hunched across camp, watching Ratstar with his mate and kits in the beech den he had created, eyes cold and face stony. Next, it had been confused, fumbling grief - he was a dead thing, out of place among all these sweet flowers and sunshine and life. Then, it had been the strange peace that came from making his own nest out in the meadows - he was SummerClan, and he wasn’t, and maybe that space in between could be a gentle, healing thing. But almost as soon as he’d met Hywel, something changed. He could sleep soundly and happily, surrounded by his clanmates and the smell of home, of belonging. He could breathe. His heart was lighter, calmer, warmer. He spoke openly to his clanmates and his smile was real. He made flower crowns with the garden keepers and spent afternoons keeping Vulturemalice company from his place just outside the medicine den entrance. He was alive, or starting to be.

That morning, he’d slipped out of the warriors’ den before the dawn patrol awoke, stepping carefully over his sleeping clanmates and trying to keep his purring as quiet as possible. He’d always been a late riser the first time round; nowadays, he almost always woke before the sun. Now, with the sun climbing higher in the perfect blue sky, warming his pelt and making the red veins on the insides of his ears stand out against the soft pink, Doe was limping languidly through a part of the territory he often neglected: the eastern side, with the cliffs and thundering waterfall and dappled blue river, the birch trees and lush grass and grasshoppers. He was smiling, muzzle raised to the sky and eyes on the treetops and the cliffs. By the time the sun was high in the sky, drowning everything to the south of the cliffs in deep, cool shadow, Doe was just emerging from it; he slipped across the clear line in the soft grass where the shadows gave way to hot summer sunshine, blinking against the light and feeling the ground beneath his paws turn from damp and chilly to scalding earth.

And then, not far away, he saw a black cat.

Doefreckle slowed, and finally stopped. He stood there, body turned to the side from where he’d just started to make his gradual return to camp, blinking at the distant figure. Doe’s tail-tip twitched back and forth agitatedly; even if he hadn’t consciously realised anything was the matter, a part of him had. Something was troubling him. Then, as the sunshine hit the fluffy black cat in a specific way, glinting off his fur, something dropped low in Doefreckle’s heart.

He didn’t remember crossing the distance between them, didn’t remember the wildflowers or the clouds or the bees - all he knew was he was suddenly standing at the border, chest tight and brows pushed together and agony constricting his breath. He opened his mouth - no sound came out. Impossible, giddy, stifling hope burned through his fur. “Shaded?” he finally got out, voice high and cracked at the edges but stronger than he’d been expecting. There was no grief there, not yet - there was just joy, tearful and pure and senseless. He took a tiny step forward, brows pushing up. “It’s me. It’s Freckles.” He let out a small, breathless sound that was half cry, half laugh.

It struck Doe, suddenly, that he really was the best one who could have found Shadedsun. He assumed the black tom had come back to life, too - that knowledge didn't provoke any sort of surprise or disbelief; it had happened to him, it had happened to Eshek, it was his new norm and he was already jaded by it, disinterested - and who better to guide him through it than someone who'd experienced the same thing? He felt for a moment like a sort of guardian angel, meeting someone at the pearly gates. He hadn't had anyone to explain anything to him; maybe he could make it better for Shadedsun.

Doefreckle offered Shaded an uncertain smile, eyes worried and gentle as he listened to him. You could have at least said goodbye. He exhaled a quiet laugh through his nose but didn't reply. Birds sang around them, larks and bluejays and finches. The sunlight was bright and dreamy. He took another tiny step forward, then shifted his weight back again. He didn't know if he could touch Shadedsun, if it would be helpful or detrimental or confusing. He wondered if the black tom's eyes were still failing him - judging by how bleary they were, Doe's own gaze darting over him, he silently guessed they were.

"No, you're not dreaming," he replied gently, taking a few tentative steps closer. A shallow flood of guilt swept through him, quiet and low. When Doe had first come back to life, he'd been consumed by needing to find Shadedsun, by needing to be reunited with him, by needing to bring him back, either from StarClan or from this in-between. Since meeting Hywel, since spending the night with Chim, that desperate mission had dimmed somewhat. He wanted to sob at his own selfishness, at his predictability. Doefreckle slipped in front of Shadedsun, looking up at him with wide eyes and brows pushed together. "I..." He closed his mouth, licked his lips, looked down. How did one go about saying this? He looked back up. "You died. After I did. I watched your funeral, from... from wherever it is ghosts that can't move on go. Two years passed. And then, two moons ago, I came back. It happened to a she-cat in the League, too. We don't know why. And now, it must have happened to you. It..." He frowned down at his paws, a strange sort of determination falling over him, like he'd force their way through this and they'd both come out alright. His voice took on a stubborn edge as he nodded to himself. "It will be different, life now," he looked up at Shaded again, still frowning wilfully, "but we'll get through it together. I won't leave you, not again."

It struck him that this wasn't how he'd imagined their reunion going. In his imagination, he'd fall upon Shadedsun, bury his muzzle in his fur, tell him he loved him over and over and over, that he was sorry, that he was an idiot, that he had been blind. Ask him to be his mate. Now, standing there in front of him with the perfect blue sky stretching out in every direction, his chest felt leaden. He searched Shadedsun's face helplessly. He didn't know what to do, didn't know how to say anything he'd meant to say. There had always been this wall between him and Shaded, one he himself had put up. Now, it felt like where he'd stripped it away, the other tom had put it back up. Always the wrong time. Doefreckle felt desperate, ungrounded, lost at sea. I love you, he willed himself to say, but he couldn't. The words wouldn't come.

Doefreckle listened patiently as Shadedsun worked through it all on his own, blinking up at him. I don't know if I can trust you on that. He flinched a little but didn't respond. It stung, but he was calmer now, more mature, far less destructive; the old him might have snapped something back, might have needled in some sly little jibe designed to hurt and deflect the pain away from himself, but now he just let it ache for a moment and then roll off him, tucking the lesson away in his heart. He deserved it, anyway. The things he'd said to Shaded when they were still together, the things he'd done... The childishly hopeful part of him had expected they might just be able to move past it. But they couldn't. It was still fresh for Shadedsun. And Doe had a lot to make up for.

At the mention of the kits, Doe winced. Shadedsun's previous blow had been expected; this one came a little more out of the blue, and the fact that it did feel out of the blue just showed what a terrible father Doefreckle actually was. Guilt niggled at him. He had been hoping, in an unrealistic sort of way, that he'd just be able to ignore that particular problem forever. Clearly, he couldn't. He'd have to face it eventually, and evidently, eventually was today. "Uh," he started weakly, dreading Shadedsun's anger, his disappointment in him, and feeling a little of that old petulance that this reunion was not how it was supposed to be. He hated feeling like his old self. "I don't know," he confessed, slumping his shoulders in defeat and looking up at Shaded like he was asking for a little bit of leniency. "They're... Well, there's only Lilykit left now, that much I know for certain. And she'd be an adult now. I have kits of my own, I assume, somewhere, if Beetuft... ended up having them." He drew in an awkward breath. "They'd be adults, too." He nodded his head to the side, like the full weight of how much of a deadbeat father he'd been was finally piling on top of him. God, he didn't want responsibility. He didn't want to fight with Shadedsun, which was what this seemed to be heading towards. He wanted to just be alive.

"I haven't been back for long. I haven't had a chance to track them all down yet." Haven't been brave enough to ask about them, is what he meant. They could have been in SummerClan for all he knew, them aware he was their father, him not aware they were his kits. God, what a mess. "I'll... I will. I was going to. And I'm sure they're not alone - they'll have a Clan! Or a, y'know, a twoleg or something." He smiled up at Shadedsun, tail high in the air. He was trying very hard to be upbeat and optimistic, despite his voice having taken on a slightly defensive edge a moment before. He'd never related more to Peachblush than he did in that moment.

Selfish relief flooded through him; he quickly clamped down on it. He wasn't going to be selfish anymore. When Shadedsun moved past him, Doe moved with him instinctively, head tilted up, not taking his eyes off him. Doestar, I don't understand. He nodded along gently. A few weeks ago, having to explain he didn't go by that name anymore - again, and again, and again - would have filled him with spiteful bitterness. Now, he felt not only at peace with the loss of his leadership, but relieved by it. "It's just Doefreckle," he corrected softly, still looking up at Shadedsun. "SummerClan has a new leader now - Ratstar. SpringClan, too. Her name is Jetstar."

He took an uncertain step closer. "It's... It's easy to feel like there's no place for you anymore. When I first came back, to a camp full of strangers I didn't know and, worse, to clanmates who only knew me as the former leader, it was awful. I was so angry - at the whole world, at Ratstar, at StarClan. But it gets better. You do have a place. It might not be the one you had before, but you can make something even better for yourself. You can be a true member of SummerClan, if you want to be. When you were here last time, it was just because I was leader - I can't imagine you ever felt like you truly belonged. But with Ratstar, you can have a proper ceremony and finally feel at home. Or you can..." This was a little less enthusiastic, but he swallowed his own feelings down and forced eagerness into his voice, eyes bright. "You can go back to SpringClan." He shook his head, overcome as he looked up at him. "Shaded, you can do anything."

He had never had to chase after Shadedsun before. It was an unpleasant, hopeless feeling, one that put Doefreckle in his place - something that maybe should have happened a long time ago. He felt increasingly desperate. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He yearned for their old closeness, for his dumb, sweet nicknames. Doe limped after him quickly, looking truly small and pitiful next to the large, long-furred tom. Still, between all the pain and confusion, he’d always thought self-improvement came from things being added - kindness to oneself, forgiveness, gentleness. Now, being denied what had once been offered so freely to him, he felt as though it could also come from things being chipped away; his ego deserved these blows, and maybe he and everyone else would be better off once he had been humbled and softened.

When Shaded said his name, he looked up at him, pitifully hopeful. It came to nothing, but he stayed gazing up at Shaded, trying another comforting smile. I'll stay, for a little while. Doe let out a sobbing little laugh, eyes tearing up and mouth open in a relieved beam; he moved to touch the other tom, then stopped himself and stepped back. But then Shadedsun was walking past him again and his smile fell, crumbling to heartbreak. Shaded had never broken his heart before - he'd always been the one to hold him together while other toms were doing that for him, the warm body to lean on, the dependable friend - and maybe it was awful of him to feel like that now, when the black tom was struggling under the weight of coming back to life, of losing everything and finding a world changed and lonely and unwelcoming, but he couldn't help it. He had spent almost two years falling in love with Shadedsun, with the memory of him, going over every interaction and every feeling he hadn't understood at the time, and now here he was - and Shaded didn't want it. And then there was Hywel, beautiful Hywel with those pure blue eyes and that laugh like spring. Hywel he could feel himself falling for. Grief bubbled up inside him, overwhelmed and bewildered and childishly confused, and he found himself letting out a wet sob.

"Shaded, please don't do this," he cried, brows pushed together and face distraught in the most innocent, youthful sort of way. He stood there, forepaws together in the grass, looking like he was willing to beg and plead. "I was an idiot. I was so cruel - I treated you horribly, and I paid for that for two years. I took advantage of you, strung you along, and then got angry when you reacted. I thought... I thought I'd have you forever, that I'd never have to choose between you and someone else because you were something I could take for granted. That you'd always be there, without me even needing to ask, no matter how abominably I behaved. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Shaded." He was crying freely now. "You were my best friend. My family. You were there for me when no one else was. And I treated you worse than dirt. But I am so thankful, Shaded, I'm so thankful I met you, that I knew you, that you loved me when I didn't deserve it. For me, not for some idea of what I was. It took..." Here it was; he took a shallow, shaking breath. "It took me so long to realise I was in love with you the whole time. I'd only ever known love as something painful, something punishing - I didn't realise it could be something so gentle, so kind. I spent those two years hating myself for what I did to you, and for not seeing it sooner. We could have been something so beautiful, if I'd just let us. And no matter what I do for the rest of my life, it will never be enough to make it up to you. But I love you, Shadedsun. I always did. I always will." He closed his mouth and stood there heaving in trembling breaths, eyes locked on the black tom. Undone. Everything he'd kept hidden, even from himself - laid bare. 

As Shadedsun bounded along ahead of him, Doe stayed behind, just standing there in the grass. Losing their kits; being abused by Funk; dying; the two years spent as a ghost, watching and weeping unseen in the mist; coming back to find his Clan and his world moved on without him; letting go of Chim a week ago, relinquishing him once and for all to Pygmyprawn - none of those things had hurt him as much as this. All of that had been different. He'd never loved the kits as much as he'd wanted to, just a boy playing family. He'd never known Funk - he hadn't owed him any kindness, and he hadn't given it. Dying, that had been unfair but natural. He'd had two years to get used to that idea of forever. SummerClan moving on had been an inevitable heartbreak, but now a welcome relief. Chim was happy, and so he was too.

But Shadedsun was his. Shadedsun loved him. Shadedsun was the kind one, the thoughtful one, the blossoms to his storm. It wasn't that he felt... owed his love - maybe the old Doefreckle would have felt like that, but he didn't feel like it now. Doe had hurt him - he understood there may be no coming back from that. He just hadn't expected this... flippant dismissal. This callousness. He knew Shaded was in shock, he tried to tell himself that, tried to be reasonable and kind and fair. But every attempt, every wounded, gentle attempt to tell himself Shaded was grieving, needed time, to scold himself with the fact that he was being selfish by rushing this, fell off him like water.

He was hurt.

"I didn't just say I was sorry," he said in a tiny, injured voice, looking so small amid all the grass blowing softly in the breeze. "I said I love you."

We can move on! This wasn't moving on. This was blindly rushing past all the realities to get to the fun parts. He'd spent his whole life doing that. Was he really going to spend the next moons, year, lifetime trailing after Shadedsun because he didn't want to accept his own pain and face it? The prospect made him want to cry. He would do it - of course he would do it. But he didn't want to.

"All I thought about for those two years was finding you. All I thought about when I came back was finding you. I would have torn StarClan apart to do it, would have died again if it gave me just the tiniest chance. And you... Now you don't want me?" The question was barely audible, just a crackly, high-pitched, tearful thing. Doe's ears were pressed back against his head, his eyes wretched, his forepaws still tucked together so neatly and miserably.

You always wanted me before. Doe clamped his mouth shut before the words could get out. Why would now be any different? This was a special sort of heartbreak - not only because he was losing something he'd wanted for so long, but because he was losing something he'd had. He'd had Shadedsun and he'd thrown him away. The guilt of it, of everything - of how he was pressuring Shadedsun now and pushing himself on him, of how, even then, he felt like he was forcing himself to want the other tom more than he actually did, because he was all he'd yearned for for two years, all he'd thought of, all he'd loved, and now he was distracted by Hywel and Vulturemalice and the lingering loss of Chim, and it was just so typical of him, so typical of the universe, that everything should be at the wrong time, because if Shadedsun had come back a week or two earlier he was all he ever would have had any love for, for the rest of his life, for forever - threatened to drown him. Shadedsun was right - he was being unfair - and so he stood there and took it all quietly, not feeling at all surprised by what the black tom, the tom he'd wanted for his mate, was saying even if it ached in his chest so horribly he thought he was going to start coughing up blood.

Don't make this about you, not right now. Doe flinched inadvertently. He flinched because Shadedsun didn't know the new him, didn't know he wasn't who he used to be, didn't know that he was trying not to do that; he flinched because he wasn't trying to make it about him, not completely - he was trying to give Shadedsun what he'd always wanted, trying to offer him this comfort, this love, this reassurance that he'd be here for him, as a friend or a lover or a stranger across camp, in his own misguided way; he flinched because it hurt. His head felt silent. He tried to say something - you're right, or I'm sorry. But he felt so sad he couldn't even speak. So, instead, Doefreckle hung his head and trailed after the black tom, his limping stumbling and ragged every time his paws slipped into a hidden rabbit scratch or dip in the earth; he stopped multiple times to silently pull his paw free.

He'd said everything he'd wanted to. In his imagination, back in the mist, Shadedsun had greeted it all with soft fur and purring and tears; and when he'd asked him to be his mate, he'd said it was all he'd ever wanted. Now, he was watching Shadedsun walk away from him. Finally, in a quiet voice, Doe called to him, "do you... Can you find the way? Or do you need me to guide you?" He didn't want Shadedsun to yell at him, so he shied away from touching on his failing eyes directly, but he wanted to help him in any way he could. Be there, be... needed in any way he could. He was so afraid of being completely redundant. He stopped a little way behind the black tom, gazing at him with his tail hanging forlornly on the ground, his ears drooping slightly against his head, and his eyes tired and sad.

I'm not mad. I'm... I'm not mad. Doe listened quietly and bowed his head, gazing down at the grass around his paws and nodding. If a tear or two slipped silently down his cheeks and on to the stems, no one would ever see.

I could use a--a tour guide, if you want to. I don't. . . I don't remember the territory well. When Shadedsun finally stopped, Doe looked up slowly, a little bit of hope fluttering in his chest. Sniffling, he nodded and limped quickly to his best friend's side. "I'll always want to," he replied quietly, looking up at him from under his lashes and meaning far more than he said. His heart ached with fresh grief, being this close to Shadedsun - Shadedsun, alive, breathing, warm, beautiful, there. His Shadedsun. So selfless, so patient, so kind, always giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return. He hoped against hope that he was still in there somewhere, past the fear and the confusion and the pain. He hoped, too, that he'd give a little less this time round and take a whole lot more. He hoped he'd be the one Shaded would take from, because he was so willing to give. Even if... The thought sent agony - terror - stabbing through his heart. Even if he wouldn't accept his love, Doe hoped Shaded would accept his friendship, his companionship, his love in every other way. Shadedsun had loved Doefreckle first, and he had loved him best. Doefreckle had loved Shadedsun first, even if he hadn't loved him best when he'd deserved it more than anything in the world.

It was the most tragic love story the universe had ever penned.

"Come on," he told Shaded softly, glancing up at him again and touching his tail to his shoulder. Eyes still on the larger tom for a moment longer, checking he was alright, worried and gentle and caring, Doe finally looked away and limped ahead, keeping the tip of his tail close to Shadedsun. As they walked, memories bubbled up, unbidden and painful and beautiful enough to make him tear up. The night in the cherry blossom garden, Shadedsun showing him the most sacred heart of SpringClan without a second thought, because why wouldn't he show it to the one he loved most? The fireflies in the long grass, and them playing among them. Falling asleep against Shadedsun on the branch of a tree in the Small Gathering Place, his scent and warmth so comforting even when they'd hardly known each other at all, comforting enough to lull him to sleep, safe and protected. And he'd thrown that all away. For a tom who had chosen a she-cat over him at the end of it all. Another tear slipped over Doe's cheek; he paused just long enough to brush it away in frustration, his paw rough against his own cheek.

"I'll-" His voice was weak; he cleared his throat. "We'll head to the Southern Seas - SummerClan expanded their borders after I... Well, after you and I died. Now we have a view over the ocean." He remembered his date there with Hywel just a few nights earlier and his heart ached with grief, with guilt, with confusion. He forced a smile and glanced over his shoulder at Shadedsun. "We'll get to see most of the territory on the way there, and then we can loop back to camp and you can... meet Ratstar. He and his deputy were both born and raised outside of SummerClan, too. You'll fit in with me like you've been there all your life." He smiled again, soft and hopeful and sad. "And don't mind his daughter if she bullies you - she does that to everyone. Maybe you'll be a match for her now, though." There wasn't any bite to the words; he just scrunched his eyes up in a bigger smile, but it still looked tired.

Doe looked up at Shadedsun with sad, concerned eyes. "Well, we have a wonderful medicine cat," he told Shaded, quietly anxious. For the first time, he was saying we to refer to SummerClan instead of they. "He’s been helping me with exercises for my paw. I thought it was untreatable after so long, but they've been helping. He studies bones and skeletons and how things work, so he knows more than any medicine cat I've ever known. He might know something for your eyes. He might not be able to cure them - if-if you even want them cured - but maybe there could be some relief."

It was a potentially hurtful thing to offer, and, again for the first time, Doefreckle seemed to realise that; he'd never been tactful, but now he was walking on egg shells, trying harder than he'd ever done anything in his life to be gentle and kind, to not hurt Shadedsun with some stupid word he never even noticed or some implication he didn't mean. It was like someone reformed, pushing back against every instinct so he could be better. It made his speaking strangely stilted and soft, picking out every word where he would have once barrelled through them.

He was quiet for a long moment, afraid to say the wrong thing and break the fragile peace, just looking up at Shadedsun. Finally, he murmured, "how much of me can you see?" Again, it was a potentially selfish question - making it about him - and Doe felt a frail flood of guilt like someone had shocked him for saying the wrong thing; he almost flinched. The danger of trying to undo all his learned habits was that sooner or later, he'd end up unable to differentiate between what was selfish and cruel, and what was just taking care of yourself, what was just permissible self-kindness.