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trigger warning ; suicide , not explicitly described, but your cat will find oak's body w aspen
The fight was almost over. The tom didn't know when the fight had started. Maybe after his sister became leader, maybe before that, he wasn't certain. Maybe it didn't matter anymore, maybe what mattered was that this was where his last few moons had left him- staring over the edge of the waterfall. The wind whipped across his pelt, but in the twilight, it comforted him slightly. It would all be over soon...
"Thank you for coming with me," she meowed to the cat that walked by her side. "It's been a little weird coming here alone, after, you know..." For whatever reason, she'd divulged to the cat that accompanied her that the water had consumed her first life from her. It had been something that she told very few, and those that she did tell were under an oath of silence. She didn't need the whole clan to know what happened, equally because she didn't think that it was pertinent information and because she was still a little embarrassed that she lost her first life in a fishing accident.
"Of course, Aspenstar." The captain of the guard was never far from his leader, but it wasn't simply duty that bound Phantomfox to her side. His loyalty to Aspenstar went deeper than that. Her support of his relationship across the clan borders was something he appreciated, even if he didn't express it, and it was his honor to be a keeper of the secrets she chose to entrust in him. "Though... maybe you should stand back from the bank so there aren't any other fish-related mishaps," he teased, gently needling her with a joke, but there some was quality in the air tonight that made him uneasy, silver eyes scanning the area for signs of intrusion, danger, anything to confirm his intuition.
"Look, I know being drown by a fish isn't the most glamourous way to die, but you know what, it was a big fish. Cradlegrave can vouch for me probably if he's ever able to look me in the eyes again," she smirked, before letting out a sigh. "One of these days someone will teach me how to fi-" she started, interrupted by the emergence of a large shape just below the water, deep enough that it was hard to tell exactly what it was. "Maybe he wants round two?" she mewed, pushing towards the edge of the water for closer examination.
"With your luck, all those big fish will just catch you." He shrugged when she shot him a glare, the tom chuckling, but he also stopped at the figure bobbing in the water. "Here, let me," he said, Phantomfox moving in front of her, something he would later be glad he did. The water's touch was cold and sharp against his legs, but the chill that ran through him when he got close enough to discern who exactly was floating lifelessly before him was far, far worse. His ears flicked back and he squeezed his eyes shut. Still blocking her view, he turned back to Aspenstar. "You should prepare yourself. It's Oakleaf." He felt his voice bow under the heavy weight of the sorrow in it, watching the agonizing realization dawn on her.
"If ya don't stop, I'm going to make sure that the fish catch you," she meowed with a wink, before watching him wade in the water. She was frankly glad that he was the one to do it; there really wasn't a single part of her that ever wanted to go back into the river. After a moment, though, when she noticed him blocking her gaze, her blood ran cold. He was trying to protect her, but from what?
It was then that she heard his words. "No, no no. You're wrong. It can't be." Her voice was desperate, and the next thing she knew, she was diving into the river herself. "Get out of the way, it can't be him..... No. it's not him. It's someone who looks like him. Please, it can't be him..."
The moment she saw the body, though, she knew it was. The cold water burned her legs, and her eyes burned with tears. "No, no, no, no, no..."
He winced as she plunged forward, the anguish in her voice shattering his neutral facade. "Aspenstar." He nudged her back though he could feel her resistance. Emotions did not come easily to him, feelings long since buried beneath the mask he erected to keep everyone out, but for once he allowed a crack to show, wanting nothing more than to take away this pain she was feeling. "I'm sorry you have to find him like this. We should take him back to camp for a vigil," he murmured. "I cam carry him myself if you would like to return to camp. Prepare your family." He didn't know the rest of her family nearly as well as he knew her, but Phantomfox was certain Aspenstar would push through this. As far as the rest of them, he wasn't so sure, in particular her elderly parents.
Barely there, Aspenstar felt herself being pushed by him back to the water. Her body felt out of her control, a phantom vessel she was not in full control of. Still, she found herself listening to him, making her way back to camp without a word.
She wasn't surprised when he poked his head into her den. He had given her time with her family, but Aspenstar knew her friend must be worried. When she heard him clear his voice, she looked up from where she had been staring off into the distance. The chipper look that was normally in her eyes was gone, replaced by deep sadness. She did not cry, though, not since she returned to camp. She couldn't allow anyone else to see her so weak...
"I wondered when you'd show up," she meowed, her voice almost lifeless. She found herself rising to her paws, closing the distance between them. Instinctively, she pressed into his body, for just one moment needing someone to support her. It was comforting to lean into him, even if only for a second. She was generally surprised at her action, though, and quickly pulled away. "Sorry..." she muttered, once again creating distance between the two.
Watching Aspenstar grieve from afar was among the harder things he'd done in his lifetime. It wasn't until he arrived back to camp after meeting Rosethorn-- for what surely would be the last time before her kitting-- that he finally chose to step in, crossing the camp and entering her den. The look in her eyes was haunting and something Phantomfox would not soon forget...as well as something he would soon understand.
He started to say something but stopped, startled by her sudden proximity. When she stepped away, he felt his nerves crawl beneath his skin and he had to clear his throat again to regain composure. "How... I mean..." All the options for things he could say felt so fake, so forced. No, she wasn't okay. No, she wasn't going to say 'I'm fine.' Things weren't okay and she wasn't fine. "I caught two of the apprentices trying to raid Ahava's den. The look on their faces when they ran into me on their way out was priceless," he said instead, moving aside to gently close the gap between them again.
Aspenstar's mismatched gaze rested on him. It was tired; she was tired. Perhaps the most tired that she'd ever been. Things had gotten... worse than she ever could have expected. She'd found the things in his nest, and when she tried to show them to her two remaining brothers- it had been moons since anyone saw Sequoiaburst - crap had hit the fan. The one time she wanted, no, she needed their support, they couldn't give it to her. Her mother had taken a leave of absence following the tragedy, and her father's wise words fell unheard. Everything was falling apart.
"I just wish I knew why," she meowed quietly, trying to provide him even a glimpse of what was racing through her head. "I must have been able to stop it if I tried. If I noticed. But, what was there to notice? He had been no different..." Her jaw clenched slightly. "And then that ribbon. What did it mean?" She'd been grasping at straws for days. Nothing made sense, not anymore.
When he spoke about the apprentices, her gaze changed slightly. A hint of amusement flashed in her eyes. "Let me guess, the spiderpaws?" she asked, trying to withold a chuckle. They were the most likely candidates, but most NightClan apprentices were mischevious at this stage of the game. "I'm sure you whipped them back into shape, hmm?"
"It was the spiderpaws," he confirmed, "and yes, I think it'll be a while before they get into any mischief again." The lighthearted attempt fell flat, however, human dissipating from between them as swiftly as it arose.
Her misery fell onto his shoulders, for the first time the rigid stature of Phantomfox bowing under the pressure, and he fought for something to say that would offer any reprieve from the blame she inflicted onto herself. "Oakleaf didn't want you to know," he finally said, feeling like the words were insignificant and meaningless. "Knowing may not have changed the outcome in the end. I'm... I'm sorry you have to go through this, Aspenstar." The only real, tangible thing he could do was let his tail rest over hers, inviting her to lean against him if she needed. The mention of the ribbon, one of the few tokens left behind by Oakleaf, made his whiskers twitch. "Ribbons are usually found in the Twolegplace, aren't they? Maybe Oakleaf was debating on if he wanted to be a kittypet," he suggested, halfway intended to be another joke but landing closer to the truth than either of them would have guessed.
She flicked her ear at him to acknowledge his words, a faint smile flicking across her face. It didn't last long, though, and it didn't touch her eyes. It had been a long time since positive emotion really touched her eyes in a way that was more substantial than just a flash.
She listened to his words, but her ears tilted backwards slightly. "Why didn't he want me to know? We could have worked through it, whatever it was..." She fought the urge to let tears well in her eyes, instead accepting his invitation and leaning into him. He was warm and strong and stable, at least to her. There were plenty of other cats that might not agree with that particular assessment, he was prone to angry outbursts that left cats seriously injured, after all, but to her, it was nothing but the truth. He showed her a compassion that few others did, and perhaps it was as important to her as it was precisely because it wouldn't be expected from the large tom. She rested there for a moment, letting her shoulders relax for the first time in days.
The moment ended too soon, though. As much as she wanted to lean into him for the rest of her life - wait, was that what she really wanted ? why was that what she really wanted ? - he did have a mate. Even if she wanted to let the moment linger, there came a point where it was weird, even just as friends. She straightened her spine, letting out another soft sigh.
Her ears then perked at his suggestion of the two leg place. "Yeah, I think that's right," she meowed with a blink, the look in her gaze suddenly shifting. "We should look, right? Maybe there is an answer somewhere out there. We have to try to find it if it exists, right?"
"Maybe it wasn't something you could have helped him with," he said quietly, then fell silent as she leaned into him. The brush of her fur against his skin made him feel like electricity was dancing across his skin, his nerve endings acutely aware of the warmth she exuded inviting him to lean as well, as if they were supporting one another's weight despite Aspenstar being...much smaller. His thoughts were turning a similar direction to her own, reveling the moment and wishing for...
For what? For more? An image of Rosethorn brought shame to his chest, potent and heavy, but before he could pull away, his companion did, and the cold quickly sunk back in. He hated how much he hated her absence.
He was grateful for the immediate shift. Something to focus on. He noticed the look in her eye, some mixture of determination, hope, and apprehension. "Then let's go see if it exists," he encouraged. "Larkspur can handle things Pinesimmer in your absence and Violetglass can handle the guard in mine." Maybe journeying off somewhere together so soon after their embrace, and with Phantomfox still at an internal war with his feelings, but he was her guard. It was his job. That's all.
She didn't want to believe there would have been something she couldn't help her brother with, but maybe the tom was right. Maybe she just couldn't fix everything, no matter how badly she wanted to. Did that make her a failure? A part of her whispered that, that if she was better, stronger, more these things would never happen. "Do you re-." She started, before shaking her head. "No, nevermind, it doesn't matter," she then quickly added. Some things were better left unsaid, and perhaps "do you regret making me leader, seeing how fantastically i've done so far" was one of them. What would she expect him to say, anyways? She sighed in frustration at the very idea there was a part of her that started to ask.
She then perked up slightly again. "See if it exists?" She rose to her paws immediately, as if she was just about chomping at the bit to do whatever thing they were about to go do. It should have terrified her, or at least made her apprehensive, but any part of her with self-preservation was quietly ignored by the part of her that wanted - no, she needed to know what happened to him. "Let's go," she meowed, immediately starting to take off, before coming to an immediate hault.
"Are you sure you want to go? You don't have to follow me if you don't want to..."
It didn't take a genius to pinpoint the direction her question was going, just someone who knew her well. He opted not to address it as it was clear she was skirting around it, but there was an unspoken answer poised on his tongue, knowing that he wouldn't have changed a thing about who he'd chosen to succeed him.
Her determination pulled them both forward, but not minding where he was going, he nearly stumbled across her when she stopped. "What?" The confusion cleared just enough for him to mimic her signature half-smile, something eerily gentle appearing on a rugged face. "Aspen, I'll follow you anywhere." It only took a split second for him to realize the error in saying so, admitting out loud to the tether that bound them together and how tightly wound his devotion to her was, and he was backpedaling the next moment. "As your guard, of course. It's kind of in the job description, right? I read the fine print...!"
There was a moment where she felt her heart skip a beat, a part of her that relished in the way he said it, as if it was completely true. For a moment, she became very aware that he would probably follow her to the end of the earth. There was a bit of shame in the back of her mind that a part of her wanted him to do just that. As if it was that simple, that she and Phantomfox could run away somewhere and make a happy life together. It would never be that simple, and it pained her to know that. She longed for something more simple, she longed to be the cat she once was, when flirting with him was an accident and she hadn't found herself acutely attached to him. She had never understood really what had changed, when the moment that she realized that the things she felt for Phantomfox were different than the things one normally felt about their best friend. She resented that moment with her whole soul; god, how could she have been so stupid? It made things so complicated... The way her heart skipped was confirmation; she was in too deep, and with a tom who was already taken.
She offered a half-smile, trying to pull herself from those thoughts. They weren't helpful, not if they were about to go on an adventure together. Yet, she couldn't help but respond. "Good, because there's no other cat I'd rather go with," she meowed genuinely, although the smirk on her face suggested she had more to say. "After all, if we find something important, I have to be the hot one, and if you're with me, I won't have to worry about that," she grinned, shouldering him playfully as a way to distract herself from the softness that was in her heart for him. "Let's go."
He snorted, electrified by her touch, then bounded after her to catch up. "I'll have you know," he snarked when he did, "I was crowned most handsome tom in SummerClan...after the scars." There was a modicum of truth to what he said. Phantomfox had undoubtedly been handsome at some point in his life, with delicately carved features and heavenly eyes, and he could charm anyone within radius of him, but after the attack left its scars on his body and soul, the everlasting wounds left behind bled the beauty right out of him. Some part of him wished to reconcile with that version of himself, but the rational part of him knew that doing so would mean facing, and conquering, his guilt.
"You sure about that?" she teased in a purr. "They must all have six legs or something then." Aspenstar offered the tom a playful wink, before she became a little more solemn. "You know, you never told me what happened," she meowed with a tilt of her head. "Not that you every have to," she clarified quickly, "but if you ever need to talk about it, you've seen me at my worst, and I'm more than happy to listen." She look in her eyes made it clear to him that she didn't expect him to ever say anything about it, but she wanted him to know that she'd give him an ear. He'd given her an ear in her time of need. Hell, he was traveling to a far off land with her in search of clues about her dead brother who he found drown in the river. The least she could do was offer to return the favor if he needed it.
There was a shared joy between them, an easiness of being in one another's company that made everything else pale between them, all the pain and grief and questions fading into white noise---but in light of Aspenstar's gentle probe, some of that joy diminished. He was thankful he was taller and his long strides gave him the opportunity for sole distance; had they been looking at one another, she'd certainly see that his moonlit gaze now shimmered, the pain nursed within within still fresh as if the moons had turned into minutes. Time may have healed his physical wounds, but the emotional ones were not so easily eclipsed by his negligence.
But even if he didn't want to revisit the memory, this was Aspenstar, his truest and most cherished companion, and he found himself compelled to wander back into the dark where his demons were kept. "I was a young warrior when it happened," he murmured, lifting his eyes to where a comet's trail cut a jagged line through the darkness, like a heavenly blade slicing open the underbelly of the afterlife. Was Foxpaw up there? "I was selected to mentor my youngest sister, Foxpaw. We were out one day when we got attacked... A pack of dogs were on the territory, and I never heard or smelled them before they were on us... I couldn't stay in SummerClan after that, not while they patted me on the back for a job well done." He scoffed aloud, still bitter even now. His former clanmates hailed him.a hero. Phantomfox knew better than that. He knew that no matter how his clan framed it, two cats died that day: Foxpaw and her older brother, her mentor, Coyotewild.
She was quiet for a second, giving the tom a moment's space to feel whatever he needed to. His grief was almost tangible; the way he held his shoulders as he walked, the tone of his voice, it all added together in a way that made it painfully clear that the wounds that manifested from that day were more than just the scars on his face. It was a part of Phantomfox that she figured he didn't show many cats; after all, she couldn't think of one other time that the tom had been particularly forward about feeling anything other than soul-encompassing rage. After a moment, she quickened her pace, closing their distance enough to brush against him. The touch was light - she didn't want to overdo it - and was met with a soft hmm. "Thank you for sharing that with me," she meowed quietly, pulling away from him just as quickly as she had brushed against him.
"It's natural for them to try to find a hero in a tragedy," she then meowed after a moment. "Sometimes it is the only way we can possibly wrap our heads around the impossible. That doesn't make it any easier, though." Her voice trailed, unsure of how to continue. "For what it's worth, you're a hero now, hmm?" The words that came out of her mouth surprised her; the implication was clear. However, she didn't necessarily disagree with him. "Or an anti-hero, if you'd rather. I hear most heroes don't go out on murdering sprees with clan leaders," she paused for a dramatic side eye4 "but the sentiment is still there. I'm sure wherever Foxpaw is out there, she's looking down at you, proud of the things you've done despite your loss." Apparently, this whole comforting thing wasn't her strongest suit.
It was about then that the duo approached the edge of a two-leg's farm. A lucky first guess, but perhaps the stars had ordained whatever was to come of Phantomfox and Aspenstar that evening. "You don't think..." she found herself murmuring as they approached a pile of hay, suspiciously similar to what she had found that night.
