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He left a dandelion at the gathering place, with a tuft of ginger fur.
It wasn't a marigold, it wasn't really even close, but he couldn't find one. He hadn't thought to bring a marigold from WaterClan, he wasn't even sure if they had any growing there, but he thought they must be common around the other territories; either he was wrong or he was just a fool, because after hours of searching he was still coming up empty. So, he'd settled for a dandelion and a little bit of his fur that had been falling out anyway, and he hoped the leader would understand what he meant, and not think a fox was flirting with him.
Chim wasn't sure where to meet, though, so he settled for pacing from the gathering along the close stretch of the SummerClan border, weaving in and out of scent, growing more impatient by the minute. What if Doestar didn't even patrol today, and his sign went unnoticed? Maybe he should have tried something else, should make up an excuse to visit the camp itself; his family lived there for a few moons, maybe he could say he was coming to see them. But then he'd have to talk with them instead of Doestar and that was the last thing he wanted, he'd waited this long but especially after the gathering he couldn't wait another day, it was driving him mad.
As he neared the gathering place again, he shook his head and let out a soft growl. "This was a stupid plan, and now you're going to be waiting here all night," he muttered to himself. He shouldn't have come to begin with, he shouldn't be visiting the leader, shouldn't be thinking about him every day, but it was too late now, he was here and he wasn't leaving. For once he was doing something for himself and he wasn't going to give up so easily.
Doestar had gone through the five stages of grief since his first meeting with Chimerastar. For a while, he’d been all lovey-dovey hope and softness, walking on sunshine with a heart light as air and a smile always on his face. Then, as the days dragged by and still there was no word from him, he’d started to worry, started to think the marigold had blown away in the breeze and he’d left him standing at the border all night. Then he’d moved into anger — he didn’t want him? Fine, he’d cope. Then sadness — he didn’t want him? But he wanted him more than anything — he’d done all he could — all he wanted was a second chance. Then denial — the flower would be there, he just had to wait, it would happen. Then acceptance — they’d just stay as cordial fellow leaders, that was fine and, you know what? He was pretty, he was young, there were plenty more fish in the sea — time to move on and get back out in the dating-and-being-horribly-abused sphere. But that stage hadn’t lasted long at all, and he was soon back being an anxious, insecure mess that thought he was unloved. After the gathering, he’d felt as desperate to see him, touch him, be with him, as ever, so much so that it had almost been painful, a constant, maddening ache in his heart that he could never soothe.
And then he found the dandelion and the tuft of ginger fur. And he’d smiled till his cheeks ached and skipped around the gathering place as well as he could skip and collapsed in a patch of tall, sweet-smelling grass to smile up at the stars and breathe out all his fears and feel the hope bursting in his heart like rays of sunshine. Now, he was watching Chim from the edge of SpringClan territory with a small, soft smile on his face; he’d spent the entire evening preparing a horribly cute little date spot at the SummerClan border before heading off for the gathering place, and now, unnoticed for a moment by the other leader, he was just enjoying the freedom of being unseen and watching him stalk around like a big, beautiful grump. He felt a little like crying, sitting there with a little clump of wildflowers at his paws, as promised, watching the tom he loved. It was perfect. A light, warm rain began to fall, soft and wispy and magical; it caught on Doestar’s coat in sparkling droplets. Sweet-smelling smoke wafted over on the breeze from the chimney of the far-off twolegplace, cozy and comforting and intimate.
“Did you forget what a marigold was?” he called softly, smile gentle and nervous and teasing. And then, suddenly, he was overwhelmed by shyness — he hadn’t been alone with Chim in so long. What if he didn’t like him anymore? What if he was only here to tell him they couldn’t see each other anymore? What if he wasn’t good enough? He smiled wider but he could feel how anxious his eyes looked. He wanted to run to him, to lose himself in his fur and his warmth and his touch, but he forced himself to stay where he was, half-standing up and kneading at the earth impatiently. He’d wait until he was certain Chim wanted it; they’d been apart for so long, and even if the thought of keeping distance between them for even one second longer made him want to cry in frustration, he wouldn’t force it. I kept your tuft of fur because I missed you so much, he almost blurted out, but that didn’t seem like a very cool, nonchalant thing to say.
It was just his luck that it would start to rain. His ears flattened and he shook his head a few times as rain clung to his coat, growing annoyed. He didn't mind wading through rivers, but he didn't choose when it rained and it fell erratically, sometimes it was heavy and soaked him to the bone and other times it was just a light scatter that clung to his fluffed coat. Consistency, that was all he wanted, and maybe an advanced warning, but instead he was here, far from any shelter he knew, and it was probably going to start to hail and finish off his day with flair.
Then he heard a voice, and he forgot the rain. It wasn't important anymore, the little bit of rain, what mattered was that he was really here, they both were, and this might really be happening. Chim turned slowly to face him, his breath hitching to see him standing there, so close and so real. He closed the distance between them, and paused a tail-length apart, half-gaze drinking him all in.
"Couldn't find one. But I was done waiting, so I found a substitute," he murmured lowly. "If that's a problem, next time you can leave the flowers."
Chim hesitated; then he simply touched his nose to Doestar's and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He had planned for it to be brief, casual, a greeting and nothing more, but pathetically, he couldn't pull away. It had been so long since they'd been this close.
But I was done waiting. The simple words sent a tingling thrill through Doestar's belly, his breath catching in his throat. He smiled as Chim closed the distance between them, soft and shy, chin tucking self-consciously into his throat; and then Chim touched him first, and it was perfect, and he didn't move away, and Doestar felt like crying from happiness and relief and every wonderful, terrifying feeling that was flooding through him like little sun bursts. "Next time?" he whispered, still not moving away from him; he smiled, soft and shaky and overwhelmed, and flicked his eyes up to meet Chim's gaze with a shuddery exhalation. They were so close. He could feel the other tom's breaths against his cheeks, could feel his warmth and the dampness of the rain; he never wanted to move. "We haven't even had our date yet." His voice was breathless and quiet, scarcely audible. Chim looked so cute with his fur fluffed up against the rain.
"Speaking of flowers..." With a little laughing breath and eyes that suddenly couldn't quite meet Chim's, he backed away a step and stooped to pick up the small bouquet of flowers with his teeth, standing back up with a shy gaze and a small smile. It was only a few flowers - forget-me-nots, bluebells, lavender, any that he'd thought would complement Chim's ginger fur - and, with a last glance like he was asking for permission, he gently tucked them behind and around the WaterClan leader's ears, till he had a soft little crown of flowers. "There," he breathed, stepping back to admire him with an adoring little smile. Doestar let out a soft laugh and gestured with his head back towards the way he had come. "Come on. I get to spoil you a little tonight and you can't say no. I'm a leader now." He grinned and brushed himself against Chimerastar, sighing "I missed you" before looking back up at him with bright, happy eyes and bouncing a step ahead. "C'mon, c'mon, it's all the way back in SummerClan, hurry up. Sooo, have you confirmed my very worst fear and fallen for some other pretty tom in the meantime? Are you here to tell me you don't want me anymore? Just kidding - there's no one as cute as me, I would know. Wait! No! There's you. See, that's the kind of stuff you can't tell me not to say tonight - I get to woo you with lame, sappy pick-up lines and you just have to smile and pretend to enjoy it." He tipped his head back and grinned lop-sidedly at Chim. "And it's too late to turn back now."
He let out a purr and led the way around the outskirts of SpringClan territory towards his home. "Oh, this is fine, by the way, don't worry - Shadedstar lets me come and go from SpringClan territory as I please, and tonight what pleases me is pleasing you, so-- whoo, two lame lines in under a minute! Look at me go." It was a feeling he'd almost forgotten, this incredible, warm happiness that was as bubbly as it was soft, as mad as it was peaceful and gentle and good. He wanted to sing his love to the stars, didn't care who heard - wanted everyone to hear. Being here, now, with him, he wanted nothing more than to be able to call him his mate, to ask him to be his forever, to tell him exactly how he felt and devote himself to him and him alone, without any quips or jokes to hide behind; he wanted to tell him he loved him, truly loved him, something he’d never felt for anyone else before. He thought he had, but now he knew none of the other times had been real at all. But he stayed silent; it was impractical, dangerous, too soon — he wasn’t even entirely sure the other tom felt the same. He stopped for a moment to wait for Chim, panting a little as he smiled at him with wide, sparkling eyes. "I really did miss you so much."
Next time. Chim flushed, ducking his head slightly at the slip. Unless something went well and truly wrong, there would probably be a next time, and a time after that, but he hadn't planned on admitting that. He didn't want to come on too strong, not when this was so new and unfamiliar, but with Doestar so close there was little doubt left in his mind. How could he ever walk away from this? They had only known each other for a few days but already he grieved silently when the leader stepped away, intoxicating mandarin scent lingering behind him.
His eye widened at the neat collection of flowers. Conflicted, he allowed them to be arranged on his head, but their weight felt strange. If it was anyone else he would have turned it away immediately; flower crowns weren't really his thing and it felt awkward to wear it, an unexpected little surprise. He couldn't do that now, though, it would hurt Doestar's feelings, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. His head bowed slightly as he accepted the crown and he tried to look on the brighter rational side for once. The flowers didn't fall far enough to cover his ruined face, they were less concealing than distracting, and they didn't bother him much, so it was a small price to pay to see that soft smile on the leader's face. No cat had looked at him that way before, not since his injury so many moon ago, and he had forgotten how it took his breath away to feel maybe, almost, admired, like he wasn't so bad to look on after all.
"This would be a long way to come if I wasn't intending to stay," he grumbled, eyeing Doestar carefully as the other tom turned to lead the way. He couldn't tell if his sappy lines were just for fun or some sort of nervous tick, they didn't seem unlike him and were a far cry from the breakdown at the gathering, but the idea still nagged at him. Maybe it was his own nerves, but he was worried the other tom wasn't quite feeling this meeting after all, that maybe things had changed for him and that's why Doestar asked about him finding someone else. The SummerClan leader did seem awfully comfortable with that SpringClan leader, and Chim tensed slightly to hear him brought up again. He didn't want to seem jealous, he wasn't even sure there was something to be jealous of, but it was hard-- he wasn't the type of cat others took an interest in, and he wanted to cling to the opportunity with all four paws, not share with someone else.
"I'll be sure to thank Shadedstar next time I see him," he responded, a little stiffly. He shook his head before he looked up at the leader again, softening at his smile. Doestar was always handsome, but oh StarClan did he make Chim weak when he smiled like that. "I missed you too, deputy," he murmured, "I would have come sooner, but I didn't get a chance."
He stepped closer, stopping at his side again, head tilting subtly. Then, wishing desperately to brush against him again but recalling his uncertainty about the other tom's feelings, he averted his gaze and changed course, taking a few tiny steps onward toward SummerClan territory. "I guess you've been busy too. A leader, now? That's... that's a impressive mistake you've managed." A half-smile.
In a rare moment of insight, Doestar noticed the tenseness that fell over Chim at the mention of his friend. He limped alongside the other tom, smiling thinly to himself as he tried to concentrate on what he was saying; at the joke about his leadership, he huffed a gentle laugh through his nose, brushing faintly against Chim, but worry was scratching against his ribcage now and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He wasn’t the sort to get jealous — never really noticed when others did, either. He existed in a blissful little world where he could flirt and tease and touch and it didn’t have to mean anything — he never thought about crossed signals or how he might leave someone else feeling, never thought that he could be someone that others might pine for; he was just cheerful and bubbly and affectionate, and he simply assumed everyone else knew that was all it was.
But padding alongside Chim, he forced himself to think like an outsider watching his closeness with the SpringClan leader at the last gathering and frowned softly up at the tom beside him, concern that he might have hurt him squeezing at his chest. “You... I want you to know there’s nothing to worry about with him — with Shadedstar. I don’t know if you are — I’m bad at picking up on that,” he laughed self-consciously, glancing down at his paws before looking back up at Chim and stepping closer as they walked, both for his own comfort and for the WaterClan leader’s, “but... you don’t need to be. He’s my friend, but you’re, I hope, more than a friend, and I don’t want to be with anyone else but you. Especially tonight.” Meeting Chim’s gaze, he added in a reverent, choked-up whisper, “And you really do look so pretty with those flowers.” He smiled, soft and nervous and terrified that this was it, and Chim was fed up with him, and he was going to leave him here and now because he’d blown it.
He stopped under a tree specked with little white blooms — they were halfway there — and buried his nose in Chim’s chest fur. Don’t you know I love you, you big, perfect idiot? is what he wanted to say. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you aren’t worthy of love,” is what he murmured instead; he could feel his own breath warm against his face. “I’ve never felt what I feel for you with anyone else. And now I’m crying on our beautiful date.” He let out a tight sob of a laugh and stepped back, shaking his head. “Do you still wanna stay? Because I’m gonna cuddle you so much once we get there to make up for me being the worst and once we’re at that point, it’s too late to back out.” He smiled, sad and hopeful and adoring all at once.
His brow furrowed in consternation as he listened to the leader, angry with himself for doubting even a moment. Doestar had never been subtle, couldn't be if he tried, and their mutual feelings was the last thing he needed to question. Chim knew better, they both did, and a less patient cat might have just given up on him there, if he was going to be so plainly jealous over nothing. Shadedstar and Doestar were just friends, and he was just paranoid— worried he'd lost the one good thing in his life, and he probably would, but it would be his own fault for stirring things up for no reason. Like usual, he admitted to himself, it would be his own mess that ruined everything. And why wouldn't it be? He was a nervous wreck, already paranoid, already clingy, so unlike Doestar— Doestar, who was too damn irresistibly perfect even when he was making mistakes.
"I'm sorry I upset you," he whispered, cradling the leader against his chest. "I— I'll try not to let it happen again. I'm glad you have friends, really. It means you're not," he closed his eyes, shaking his head slightly at the foolish wonder of his own thoughts, "you're not lonely here." He laughed a little, rough and uncertain and forced past the nervousness in his throat. "But you've probably got a lot of friends, you're you, I shouldn't be— I'm not worried."
He was overwhelmed by the sad soft smile on Doestar's face, desperate to take away the touch of sadness, greedy for more joy. He pushed everything else out of his mind but the memory of his warm smile. He could sulk about everything else later if he had to, but for now, he wanted to make him happy again. "Then what are we waiting for? At this rate it'll be tomorrow before we get anywhere near wherever we're going, and I don't want to wait that long if your cuddling is really that good." With a tentatively warm smile, he nudged the other tom, focusing on channeling some of his cheer. "I'm not getting any younger."
“You didn’t upset me,” Doestar murmured, quiet and honest and utterly smitten, watching Chim with a small smile and tears drying in his eyes. You’ve probably got a lot of friends, you’re you. Did he? He could count on one paw the cats he really loved. Truth be told, he felt lonely and isolated most of the time — he befriended cats and then almost immediately pushed them away, unintentionally making true his fear that he would always be alone. There were plenty who loved him, or who once had, that much he could recognise, but he rarely gave them the chance to stay around very long. Commitment was a terrifying thing and, until he met Chim, he’d been afraid he’d just keep forcing away the ones with the kind hearts till he was left cold and alone at the end of his life. Now, this beautiful, broken tom was the only one he wanted to grow old with. Doestar touched his forehead to Chim’s, smiling at his rough little laugh. “I just want you to know how much I... how much...”
How much I love you. Letting out a shaky laugh, he gave his head a little, flustered shake and concentrated on what the WaterClan leader was saying, concentrated on his adorable, warm smile and the softness in his eye and the little nudge that knocked him slightly off balance. “Then it’ll be tomorrow,” he purred softly, sniffling away the last of his tears and laughing at the joke about his cuddling skills. “And we won’t go home. We’ll leave everything behind and go live in some pretty, far-away place with a river for you and a flower meadow for me and no one will ever know where we’ve gone or what happened to us. And, yes, in case your wondering, my cuddling is worth that.”
His heart ached a little at the thought — it was a big, grand joke, but he couldn’t help but yearn for it to be true. He’d grown more comfortable with his role as leader, grown more used to the expectations and responsibilites, calmed down and grown up and fallen into a tolerable rhythm that was even enjoyable sometimes. He loved his home. But he’d give it up in a heartbeat to be with Chim.
With a quiet purr, Doestar nudged him gently with his shoulder and gestured forward with his head, falling in step beside him and absent-mindedly entwining and untangling their tails a few times as they walked; he wanted to feel him every second of that night, didn’t want to waste a moment. He led them through SpringClan territory and, before long, over the border into SummerClan. He was too excited to take in his home, too full of anticipation and childish joy to feel any sort of calm relief at being back in the place he loved. Breaking away from Chim, he skip-limped ahead, spinning in an excited little circle through the wildflowers and throwing a bright smile at the other tom. “Almost there!” He felt young, care-free, loving and loved.
He led the way towards a little grove of birch trees on the eastern edge of the wildflower meadow; he’d spent hours earlier that day making it into a cute little date spot, tucking hundreds of flowers into the thin white trunks of the birches and keeping a few pieces of prey warm and fresh beneath a sun-warmed pile of orange leaves. In the middle of the grove was the peach-coloured blanket from his den that he’d gotten from an old kittypet friend, spread out over the grass. “We’re heeeeere,” he sang, hopping delightedly on three legs and doubling back to press his cheek against Chim’s with a soft, happy smile and sparkling eyes. “Do you like it?”
"Don't tempt me," Chim huffed, wishing with all his heart it wasn't a joke. How long had he wanted to do just that, turn and run and forget it all? He had never found the strength to do it before, to be alone for the rest of his extended life, but now... now he had someone, and if Doestar asked, he would go in an instant. He had no qualms about it, no doubts, that everything would be better if he was gone. He could finally relax. If only he asked, but he knew he never would, they couldn't go; they were leaders, they had responsibilities to their clan, stronger than the desire to spend nine lives with each other.
As he walked beside the other leader, he couldn't stop thinking about what had almost been said. What was Doestar going to tell him before he changed his mind? I just want you to know how much I... didn't want him to worry? wasn't upset? missed him? He couldn't help but think the leader would have said those things, that this must be something more, but he just couldn't fathom what it might be.
He looked up as the other dashed off and smiled again, speeding up his step to stay on his heels until they reached the meadow and entered the birch trees. Slowly his pace dropped off until he was standing shock-still, mutely contemplating the scene ahead of him and memorizing every minute detail. He didn't want to forget a single detail— not one of the little flowers woven into the white trees or the warm glow of the sun against the orange leaves or the soft, strange object in the center of the clearing, or the love that overwhelmed him so strongly he could have cried. He did this, all of this, for him? It must have taken so long to get all those fresh flowers into place, to spread it all out so perfectly, and it was all so temporary, the flowers would die and the leaves would blow away and he wanted to cry again that this beautiful grove would fall apart.
"Dep," he murmured weakly, embracing him and burying his face in his fur, ravenous for the warmth of his body against his. "Nobody has ever done something like this before, not— not for me." He was smiling when he broke apart from his again, soft and so helplessly head-over-heels he thought he might never stop smiling.
Doestar let out a breathless laugh, feeling like his heart was going to burst with relief and joy and so much love he didn’t know what to do with it. “You deserve it,” he purred quietly, voice bubbling around another laugh when the other tom clung to him; Chim was intoxicating when he was like this and he couldn’t take his eyes off him. He was smiling – couldn’t stop smiling – because of him, and he was beautiful, and perfect, and everything Doestar had ever wanted, and he was desperate to give him as much happiness as he possibly could. He knew he had a lot of years to make up for.
“C’mon then, handsome,” he teased, hopping up a little on his back legs to rub playfully against his side before trot-limping ahead into the centre of the grove and doing an excited little paw-to-paw dance on the blanket. “Okay,” he announced, brushing aside the leaves and touching his good forepaw to each piece of prey as he mentioned them, “We’ve got mice. We’ve got squirrels. We don’t got fish, but there’s a stream nearby if you can’t be a normal cat for ten seconds and eat normal cat food.” He tipped his head towards Chim with a smile and an affectionate purr. “We’ve got you, we’ve got me, and we’ve got all the time in the world because I very-not-suspiciously told everyone we didn’t need any patrols along this border today. And, y’know, I could see it in their eyes like, hmm, y’know, they were like, hmm, is he just being even more dumb than usual today? And the answer is yes. Dumb in love. Ha! Three in a row, I’m unstoppable.”
He flopped down onto the blanket and rolled onto his back, arching his spine a little into the air and looking up at Chim with soft eyes and a small, happy smile. “Your flower’s falling out,” he added quietly after a moment of peaceful silence, reaching up with his good forepaw and gently tucking the forget-me-not back into the fur around Chim’s ear. He didn’t take his paw back, instead softly batting and kneading against Chim’s side until he finally pushed a little too hard and tipped himself over onto his side; shaking flowers and dust off his head, he rolled onto his back again and purred up at the other tom. After a moment, the smile gave way to a soft, serious expression that verged a little on sadness. “I’m glad you’re here,” he whispered – here, in my life, in my heart. I’m glad I found you. He reached out his good forepaw and gently tugged at Chim’s shoulder without taking his eyes from him, trying to draw him down to lie with him.
With a soft, affectionate rumble, he followed after the leader, gazing around in wonder at the birch trees and the flowers. He didn't recognize many of the flowers, his territory was far too strange by comparison and he had learned his lesson far too many times about leaving his borders, but they were pretty. "I think I can handle land prey for one night. We don't just eat fish, you know," he answered with a twitch of his whiskers. He stopped at the edge of the blanket and eyed it warily, unsure of the strange twoleg object, but Doestar didn't seem afraid of it at all. He took a breath and tentatively stepped upon it, feeling it soft and loose beneath his paw, but not uncomfortable. He flexed his toes tentatively against the surface but didn't move any further on.
He leaned into Doestar's touch, growing used to the tickling weight of the flowers beside his ear, and held his gaze. He said nothing, but visibly relaxed, releasing a loaded sigh as the tension knotted in his shoulders dissipated. Even if he tried, he could not stop from trusting the other leader — could not remember to be composed and stern, leader-like, not when he was so close and so warm. He didn't want to be stiff either, this was his moment to be himself, what a terrifying notion that was, and he was going to embrace it. So when the invitation came, he moved further onto the blanket and settled down beside Doestar.
"I missed you," he murmured, snuggling against him. The blanket was warm and nice but it could have been a pile of broken stones compared to the comfort of the other tom's presence. "I know I just saw you at the gathering," he corrected hastily, "but... well, maybe you know." He tilted his head back slightly to seek him out, an apologetic half-smile on his face. He didn't have an excuse for being so needy he'd show up less than a half moon after the impromptu gathering, he just hoped Doestar understood, and felt the same pull. Seeing him hadn't sated his appetite, but inflamed it from a low burn to an aching, longing need.
Doestar let out a flustered little half that caught in his throat, dropping his gaze self-consciously; a moment later, he offered Chim a small, embarrassed smile. "I know," he breathed, ears pressing back shyly; it was an odd little expression, a dopey smile and droopy ears and a sheepish frown that was all hope and tentative greed. "It's so embarrassing," he continued, voice soft around a breathy laugh as he dragged his forepaw along the creases in the blanket and felt the rasp of the material against his pads. "The more I... y'know, I tried so hard not to think about you, in case you thought we'd made a mistake and all of this was a bad idea and—and maybe you didn't really like me at all, but I just... couldn't stop."
He laughed self-consciously, shaking his paw to unhook his claw from the blanket when it accidentally got tangled. Chim was a comforting weight against him, warm and soft and his. "I'd be lying in my den, trying to sleep and trying to stop myself from thinking about you, but I couldn't. I just kept thinking about how much I wanted you to be there, and all the things I'd say to you if you were, and how much I wished I could be wherever you were. And the nights were the easy part, 'cause I didn't have to be doing anything anyway. The days, though, ohhhhh, my gosh, those were the worst. I'd be trying to organise who's goin' on which patrol, and then— I mean, I'm bad at names to start with, and then throw the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about the WaterClan leader into the mix and— or, I'd miss the most easy kill and, like, oh, one time this kit caught me doin' that... don't laugh at me, that "he loves me, he loves me not" flower thing and now I'm pretty sure I'm being bullied by a baby. I might have to kill him, we'll see." He laughed, ears pricking up again, back to his bubbly self now that he was able to tell silly stories.
Doestar smiled for a moment longer, a soft laugh still humming in his throat as he met Chim's gaze. "Which is to say, I missed you, too," he murmured more gently. "And I'm fairly certain I'm..." He ducked his head and swallowed, letting out a nervous breath before raising his eyes back to the other tom. "I'm fairly certain I'm falling in love with you. And you don't have to say anything," he added in a rush. "And you don't have to feel the same, lovely as that would be. I just... wanted you to know that I'm not going anywhere, if you'll still want me after I've finished babbling and making an idiot of myself." He grinned, soft and small and hopeful.
"Mmm," he replied absently, in agreement, contemplating reaching out to him again— brushing every errant strand of fur back into place just to feel its softness against his paw, nuzzling closer in against his neck and forgetting everything outside of this moment. It was unlike him, but he didn't want to be himself now; he wanted to be more, for him, just a little bit more, more soft and caring and naive, to know just what to say and what to do so this moment would never end. If he played his cards right, maybe his dream would come true; he entertained the thought just a moment longer as he listened to his sweet laugh, felt his chest rumble where he had curled up close against the other leader. He didn't move, not even to get closer, despite his every fantasy he could not shed his skin so easily; but here he was content still, just to feel.
He nearly laughed himself at the image of Doestar playing with flowers trying to decide how Chim felt about him— Chim, who couldn't go a step without glancing around the corner for a familiar smile, whose legs went soft when he scented mandarin or rosemary, who spent every waking hour in his memories of their meetings, searching vainly for a reason he had smiled so frequently and warmly. He didn't love the other tom, not yet, he was slow to trust and he wasn't sure he'd ever really been in love, he didn't know how it felt— but, though it terrified him, he almost thought it was possible. That maybe, someday, if this continued, he could.
"Deputy," he murmured, softly, an unknown tragedy on the tip of his tongue. Instead he sighed and lowered his half-gaze. "What if I'll always need you?" The words were spoken under his breath, so quiet he barely could hear them himself. "But you don't need me."
Doestar smiled, soft and understanding. "That's enough," he replied gently, ducking his head to nudge Chim's head up and force him to meet his gaze. "That's more than enough. I said you didn't have to say anything," he added with a quiet purr. "You don't have to love me yet. You don't ever have to love me - I'd like you to, eventually, some day, but I'm happy to just... be with you in the meantime. Sappy and dumb as that sounds, I know, don't make fun of me. I just don't want you to feel rushed, and I don't want you to say anything just because you think it's what I want to hear. I'll wait forever for you." He smiled again, fainter this time, and bumped his forehead against Chim's shoulder, dragging his cheek along his neck till he could look up at his face and still be resting against him. "And I'll always need you, too, by the way, you dope. There's no one else for me, whether you like it or not. Not gettin' rid of me now."
He pushed harder against Chim's side till the other tom was forced onto his back; Doestar draped the upper half of his body across him, forepaws resting on Chim's chest, and looked down at him with an expression that was all mischief and softness, reaching out his good paw to nudge a few of the flowers around his ears back in place. "Are we far enough along in our relationship now for me to tell you I really do love your eye? I know the first time we met I said all the wrong things in all the wrong ways, but I just... I meant it. All the things about you being beautiful. Everything about you is perfect. And I'll stop now, because if someone started saying that about my bad paw I'd be like," he pulled a funny, wide-eyed look, "okay... don't talk to me... But, yes, point is," he sucked in a deep breath, tilted his head back, and shouted to the sky, "Chimerastar is a handsome stud and I love him!" A flock of birds that had been settled in the birch trees above them took to the air in a panicked, squawking mob. Looking back down at Chim with a grin, he purred, "no patrols, I can say whatever I want. Sorry, birds."
He met his gaze and held it, searching for anything deceptive, a glimmer of laughter, frustration, perhaps, but he couldn't find it. His brow furrowed in consternation and he tiled his head slightly, but there as nothing to be drawn out, no anger or fear in his eyes that he could lock onto, and with a steady breath Chim accepted his words were true. The weary lines in his forehead smoothed and he leaned back against the leader, rumbling, until Doestar pushed back and knocked him over.
His head flopped back against the blanket but he had no time to contemplate its surprising softness. Chimerastar is a handsome stud and I love him!Doestar's smug little grin made his heart soar. He laughed, not waiting for him to finish before he wrapped his paws around the other tom's neck and pulled him back against his chest. "Say something like that again, deputy," he murmured in his ear, "and I'll tie your mouth shut with reeds. You're going to ruin my reputation shouting about like that." He let him go with an affectionate swipe over the ear and leaned back against the ground.
"It's still a scar, and I think you're mad to willingly look at it," he told him, "but I'm done arguing with you about it." The compliment made him feel warm inside, unearned as it was; the WaterClan leader doubted himself still, he thought any chance he had at being good-looking had been squandered when his face was torn. He had been tired of hearing cats comment on it, even the ones that pretended he was still handsome with a scar, but he didn't mind so much when it was Doestar. Maybe it was naive, but hearing from him that he was beautiful was the best thing he'd heard in moons.
Chim gazed up at him, then shook his head, and he grinned. "We must make one hell of a sight, you and me. A pretty boy like you? Your clan must be running scared when they see me lurking around."
Doestar let out a muffled, purring laugh as Chim pulled him down against his chest, letting himself be manhandled and simply nestling his head deeper into the other tom’s fur; his purr quietened for a moment as he listened to his words, the feel of Chim’s voice rumbling inside his chest and his breath on his ear making the sound die in his throat and his heart clench wildly and a little shiver run down his spine, before regaining a smile even wider than before. He dreaded (and hoped) that Chim would one day realise how weak having him murmur in his ear made him; first time they’d met, it had turned him into a bumbling, blushing mess, and it was no different now. “Chimerastar is a handsome stuff and I love him,” he mumbled again, voice muffled by his fur and his own grin. When Chim swiped at him, he squeezed his eyes shut for a heartbeat and let out a loud, joyful purr; and, when he felt the other tom lean back against the blanket again, Doestar opened one eye warily before finally opening the other and offering a warm, boyish smile.
“You’re done arguing with me?” he teased, touching his nose to Chim’s. But he didn’t push it; he knew the other tom was never going to accept it, knew he was never going to completely believe everything he said, knew he was never going to be able to see himself the way Doestar saw him. It made him want to cry – he wanted Chim to be able to see through his eyes for just a moment, to see how lovely he was and feel how much he loved him. The thought that he might think he was only saying it to placate him broke his heart and made him so irrationally angry – angry at all the cats who had taken his self-worth from him; angry at all the cats who had made him feel like he wasn’t worth the moon and the stars and all the love in the world.
And then Chim was grinning, and his heart was filled with butterflies and his stomach was doing flip-fops, and he couldn’t think of anything else but the tom in front of him, couldn’t think of anything but the one senseless thought spinning round and round his head: I know what it feels like to fly now. He tilted his head and grinned back down at him, rearranging his paws to rest on either side of Chim’s neck. The compliment barely registered; he was always focusing on making other cats feel loved, he more often than not forgot that he was starved of tangible affection himself, starved of kind words and selfless touch. He knew he was pretty, in a vague, distant, disconnected part of his mind, but it had never been said without ulterior motive or without a cruel edge, and he’d come to associate any compliment with inevitable pain.
His grin faded a little, a sad sort of anxiety creeping into his eyes; he forced it away and focused again on Chim, on his voice and his warmth and his gentleness. “Thank you,” he murmured, dropping his gaze and feeling his ear tips turn pink with self-consciousness. “Thank you for… being kind to me. Even when you’re not nice,” he glanced back up at him with a small, almost shy grin, before looking away again, playing with Chim’s fur with his paw so he didn’t have to meet his gaze. “Thank you for… for making me feel safe, and for making me feel like I’m more than just… something to use and throw away. Thank you for making me feel loved.” He buried his nose in Chim’s chest, closing his eyes and letting out a loud, groaning sigh that ended in a nervous little laugh. “I’m just gonna stay here for a bit so you can’t look at me, ‘cuz I might cry if you do.” He sniffed, grinning shakily against the other tom’s fur.
Chim grinned ruefully at the tease— already, Doestar knew him so well. He wasn't going to give up so easily, but he didn't want to spoil their good afternoon. It was important to him to treasure every moment they had together and he wasn't going to waste a moment of it on a fight. Had it really only been a moon since they'd met? Already he was comfortable enough they could have known each other for moons, and even then there were too many cats he could name that he'd grown up knowing and still wasn't close with. He couldn't recall the warmth of his sister's smile anymore, but he doubted he could ever forget a single detail of the tom in front of him.
He would never forget the absolute wonder of his smile, not the way it looked or the way it made him feel; he could have stayed there forever, but then it changed. Chim scanned his eyes anxiously for a sign of what went wrong— surely it wasn't what he had said, it was a compliment and an honest joke— and his grin fell apart as he struggled to understand. When Doestar spoke he knew it wasn't something he had done, but he wished it was; if he misspoke that was easy to fix, but the glimpse of an old wound in the happy tomcat was so much worse. Cats like the one that had hurt Doestar were the reason Chim was so cautious, the reason he was so bitter; hatred rose in his chest that someone had dared attack his friend. The cruelty of cats astounded him and hardened him to the outside world just a little bit more every time.
And then, finally, he remembered the gathering. "He was there that night, wasn't he?" he breathed softly as it dawned on him. "The cat who hurt you. That's why you ran." He leaned forward and touched his muzzle to the leader's temple, offered him the few reassurances he could as he pulled him closer, if only he could never let go. "Who did this?" Rage trembled in his mew. He had to do— something, there had to be something he could do. He was no good at helping, at feelings, so he'd settle for the next best: revenge. That he knew all too well.
Doestar let out a silent breath at Chim's touch, letting himself be pulled closer and held. He shifted his head to the side, tucking himself under the other tom's chin and resting his cheek against his chest; the sound of his heartbeat was grounding, comforting, a reminder that Chim was there, and he was real, and, even if it was just for that moment, he was his. He didn't respond to the other leader's question, didn't nod, didn't deny it; he was just silent, listening to Chim's heart. Doestar smiled, thin and shaky and small, at the rough note of rage in his voice; anyone else who had ever seen the consequences of his violent flings had gotten sad, told him they were sorry, and he had to be more careful, and was there anything they could do to make him feel better?
All that sympathy had quickly worn thin, feeling stale and empty and making him feel more isolated than anything. It was a relief for someone to just get... angry. He hadn't ever let himself feel angry, had always let the subtle warnings of everyone leech into his blood and blamed himself. The rage felt like he'd been living in a dark, confined room and someone had just opened the window for the very first time, let in the air and the sunlight and the world. He'd never loved Chim as much as he did at that moment, grateful beyond words that someone could just be furious with him instead of trying to placate him with half-formed comforts.
"Mm," he hummed, feeling his own voice rumble against Chim's chest. "One of them." He let out a soft little laugh and was silent for a moment before continuing, voice shaking somewhere on the edge of hateful and tearful. "His name's Funk. He was just... some loner when I first met him, now he's... apparently in the League." His brows quirked upwards for a moment at that, his expression twisting into a bitter sort of bemusement. He was glad Chim couldn't see his face; he could feel his face flushing with self-consciousness at the honesty. He'd never told anyone any of the details, not even his brother; just another failed romance, he always said, bruised and bleeding and with the light missing from his eyes for a day or two before he forced it back and tried again. "I'd been in BrookClan for a few moons, and I felt out of place and homesick and lonely, and then, there he was. The Great Genius Funk." He hummed a laugh, expression dark.
"I was... out of my mind on all his medicine, lost half a moon of my life with him 'cause I couldn't even stand up. My paw was broken before that, but it wasn't as bad as this. He did that." He looked down at his bad forepaw, resting against Chim's neck, and felt the dull, familiar nausea at the sight of it. "Worthless. Unlovable. Meaningless." He mumbled out all the words Funk had called him, punctuating each one with a soft tap on Chim's shoulder; he remembered them all, remembered how he hadn't even been able to flinch, had recited them over and over and over in his head for moons. They'd quieted down recently. Chim had a way of making him feel warm and quiet, of making his fears drift away on the breeze like they simply didn't matter anymore. And they didn't. With Chim, he felt braver than he ever had.
He smiled thinly, letting out a soft little laugh and raising his head to meet Chim's gaze; the air felt cold against him after the warmth of his body, his anger leeching out and leaving him feeling tired and drained and feather-soft. "But that was before. This is now. I just... want to be better for you. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life hating someone that doesn't care, 'cause it's only gonna keep hurting and I'm so sick of ruining myself over things that haven't mattered in a long time. Not when all I want is to be with you. When you're ready. When I'm ready. And I just wanna... forget everything that's ever hurt us, and let ourselves be happy, and just... live. Y'know? 'Cause I've spent so long thinking Funk was right, that there's something the matter with me, but I'm sick of spending my life hurting myself when I could be out here, in the sun, with you, and the flowers, and everything good." He stopped for a moment, letting out a breath; when he continued, his voice was no more than a murmur, his eyes gentle and lovesick and hopeless. "I just... want you. Everything. Scars and anger and bad memories, all of it. I just want you."
