Concern washed over the she-cat's expression as she padded closer to her mother. "Do we need to call Jackdawpaw?" she meowed, before instantly realizing that her words betrayed the fact that no matter how hard she tried, she didn't really trust Pinesimmer in situations of emergency. "... I mean, Pinesimmer?" she quickly corrected with a sheepish glance. "You know we can get them if we need to, right?"

Her words to her mother were uncharacteristically gentle. They didn't carry the leader's typical razor sharp underside. The concern she had for her mother was genuine, and that sort of genuine concern was rare for the leader. Of course, there were a lot of cats she would pretend to be concerned about- her adoptive children, most of NightClan - but, there were few cats that she cared enough for to be genuinely concerned. It seemed her mother was one of those few cats.

Her tail lingered on Dawnpoppy's shoulder before she straightened. She was nearly positive her mother wouldn't want her to fret, but she couldn't help it. "Actually, I was wondering if you'd like to take a walk with me? I need you." This was another strange remark; Aspenstar had made it a point as of late that she didn't need anyone. Again, her mother was the exception to the rule. There was nothing the leader needed more than her mother's ear. Her heart ached to confess, to see the look of shame in her mother's eye, to then hear her advice on how to move forward.

Aspen paused, before adding a clumsy, "If you're feeling okay enough for it, that is."

She had brought them to the edge of the river. She didn't know why, but her paws had always been drawn to this spot. Of course, there was a certain irony in bringing her mother to the place that had consumed one of her lives, extinguished the life of her brother, Oakleaf. But, Aspenstar knew that at this time, the river side would be quiet, the burbling of the water obscuring the words they would say to each other.

As soon as they reached the waters edge, the leader seemed to crumble. Gone for a moment was the Aspenstar that she was becoming, the monster, the queen. In her mother's presence, she found herself reverting slightly to the scared child that was nestled in her chest. "I... I didn't mean for this to happen," she meowed, her gaze fixed off into the distance. She couldn't meet her mother's gaze, not yet. "I destroyed someone's life. I... I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean to become this cat..." Her voice wavered slightly. No, Aspenstar would not cry. She cleared her voice, before shifting uncomfortably. Where should she begin? If she pulled too hard at the threads of her life, she was afraid she would unravel. Where did that leave her? What could she say to ever articulate the way she felt in her chest? Where was the start of the story, the mess she had found herself in?

"I'm in love with Phantomfox," she admitted after a long moment. "I've been in love with him since the day he helped me find Oakleaf's children." Might as well start this off with a bombshell, right?

She held her mother's gaze for a moment, before looking away. "I tried to convince myself he didn't," she admitted, her tail low to the ground. "I did everything I could to pretend I didn't know. I even ordered him away. I could love him without him loving me back." At least, that had been what she tried to convince herself. There was a part of her that had succeeded; the longing had been growing ever so slightly more tolerable. "And then I stumbled on the fight between he and Rosethorn. I heard him say it. I'm in love with Aspenstar. "

Aspenstar paused slightly, for the first time expressing that there was a part of her that did feel some remourse about the situation. "He's the first cat in my life who has ever seen me for who I am, not who I should be. He sees the fractures, the broken pieces, the ugliness, and he accepts it," she meowed softly, her eyes still trained on the ground. "I fell in love with him because he was the first cat who ever accepted all of me. I didn't want to, god, I didn't want to." But, perhaps that was a lie. Maybe not a lie, but certainly not the full truth. If she didn't want to, she would have put a stop to it when she first felt butterflies. She hadn't, though. Instead, butterflies became desire , and soon, it was too late for the feline.

"But I still did. I still fell in love with him, and apparently the feeling was mutual. I ruined her life, Mom."

Aspen felt a little comfort at her mother's words. She supposed they were true; after all, she could only control herself, right? But, shouldn't she have prevented it? Hadn't her coy smiles and borderline flirtatious banter drawn him to her? Shouldn't she have avoided him? If she would have just stayed away that first day, if she would have accepted the position and demoted him... Aspenstar frowned at the thought; her life would have been a lot less colorful without him. Her ears twitched- why did she even care? What good was guilt? Her mother was right, it was his fault, not yours. A conflict warred in her eyes.

She blinked at her mother's words. We can't fight what our heart wants. This was true. The more she had struggled against wanting him, the more she wished to be curled next to his ugly mug. He brought her a peace that no one else could bring her. Peace, that was a funny way to put how she felt. It would be hard for anyone to see the duo's relationship as ... peaceful. After all, she was fire and he was gasoline. He fed the parts of her that ached for blood, for chaos. She had taken a nose dive into the dark parts of herself, and he stood by her side, his very presence, even just the scandal of it all, egging her on, encouraged her to release the monster within. By his side, she felt at peace with that part of her for the first time in her life. Had she been a fool to fight it all along? Had her inner turmoil, her desperate clinging to humanity, all been a waste of her time and effort? It had only delayed the inevitable, hadn't it?

"He has a tie," she meowed with a passive flick of her ear. "Their son. He wants him back." If Foxpaw didn't exist, yes, they would have their happy ending. They could galavant off into the sunset, both high off of the psychopathic tendencies of the other. But he did, and he was a complication. "She took him with her to SummerClan." Her voice was devoid of emotion. "I'm sure this has all destroyed him, too. He's a soft boy, kind," for a moment, there was a soft fondness in the way she spoke of him. Foxpaw had been a particular fascination for the leader since the day she saw Phantomfox snap her brother's legs. She had fallen in love with him that day, if she hadn't been in love with him before. The way that Phantomfox was so willing to kill to protect what he loved was alluring to her. It was the same fierce protectiveness that she had for her clan, no matter if that protectiveness was legible to the others. "Should I be guilty about that? About knowing deep down that some how, some way, he will end up with custody of the boy?" The question was soft. Rosethorn had no chance against him.

Aspenstar froze at her mother's final words. Her entire body jerked at the very idea, as if someone had placed a burning iron on her skin. It was as if the very idea brought her physical pain; was her mother right? Was she just a fix? No, that couldn't be right. She saw the way he looked at her, saw the way that he was as drunk on the idea of the her as she was on the idea of him. ... right? For a brief moment, doubt flashed through her gaze, before she took a moment to compose herself.

What she was going to say next might make her mother think differently about her, might start to expose the serpent that lived just below Aspenstar's skin. But, the leader saw no purpose in lying. "I love him in a way that I can't explain, like the stars themselves have ordained our intertwined fates." What a cruel thought, that the stars would ordain such a pair. Did they really have no empathy for the living? "But, I can say this with as much certainty as I say that I love him: my love will run out the moment he stops being useful to me. If anything, he should be the one who is worried about me." She let out a noise. At least, after hearing this, maybe Dawnpoppy would stop trying to soothe her?

She nodded at her words. That would be a suitable enough compromise for her, but she was unsure if Phantomfox would have the same convictions. She didn't get a chance to respond though before Dawnpoppy continued.

Her blood ran cold as her mother spoke her name. She hadn't been Aspendust in moons, and the actual sound of her former warrior name made her flinch as if a hot iron had been placed on her spine. That wasn't all, though. Oakleaf.... he had been dead for seasons now.... There was a pained look in her eye as she realized what that might mean: her mother was in her twilight moons, was she losing her memory? "Okay, mom, let's go see them," she meowed, before she followed to camp.

-
It had been some time since Aspenstar had confessed her affair with Phantomfox to her mother. Things had been... expectedly busy for her. After all, it's no surprise that after establishing a colony, you'd have more work on your plate. With Pinesimmer off in SummerClan, she'd found getting things done easier, and it was this newfound productivity that had kept her away from the elder's den. That would change tonight, though. Jackdawpaw had just given Aspenstar the news that the situation was getting worse. Her brow had furrowed at his words, especially as he warned her that if it continued, it was very possible her mother would lose her memory completely. The idea that her mother would forget who she was was daunting, horrifying, made her stomach churn. She couldn't have that, so she was going to take time out to see her today.

Padding over to the nursery, the NightClan leader poked her head in. "Ma, you in there?"

Aspendust . Every time her mother called her by her warrior name, Aspen felt herself wincing. It was evidence that her mother was losing grip with what was happening. Perhaps it wasn't a bad thing, the leader supposed. Perhaps her mother would die still thinking she was a hero, simply because she wasn't cognizant enough to know that she was anything but. Maybe it was better that way. She blinked away the thoughts. No, this was not a time to consider her mother's mortality, or what it meant to her.

The one-eyed leader smiled at her mother, before nodding. "Yes, I was thinking that we could. Things have been... busy lately," an understatement of the year, "and I've been a little... absent. I'm sorry about that. I was thinking we could go to the triple falls? It's where you took me the first night I was promoted to apprentice, remember that?"

Is he leading some patrol today? The leader visably winced at the reference to her brother. It had been a very long time since she and Phantomfox had found Oakleaf drown in the river, but it didn't make the pain any less. It was the moment that started it all. How was she going to respond to this? When she had confessed her concerns to Larkspur, the furry deputy had told her that it would be best to challenge her mother's preception of reality as little as possible. Play along with it, you don't want to spend what little time you have left upsetting her. The words floated through the back of her mind.

She found herself nodding slowly. "Yes, he is! He told me that...." what leader would her mother remember? "Flamingstar," she decided, "asked him to take some of the apprentices out. I wish I got assignments like that," she meowed with a bit of wistfulness in her voice, fully committed to the adoption of Aspendust as a character. Larkspur was right, she needed to make this as easy on her mother as possible. If her mom remembered her as a young warrior, perhaps she just needed to be the cat she was back then.

The duo walked along for a few moments, Aspen leading the way slowly as not to wear her mother out. After a pause, she glanced back at her. "How are you doing?" she asked, a bit of seriousness in her voice, as to tell Dawnpoppy that she wanted to know the real answer to her concerns.

"I have a feeling it's not contagious," she murmured, more to herself than her mother. Should she have brought Pinesimmer home to take care of her? Was Jackdawpaw's treatment not enough? The leader's jaw clenched; the idea of retrieving Pinesimmer made her want to gag on herself, but she also didn't want her mom to... kick the bucket. Her tail twitched at her own displeasure of the situation.

"I'm concerned about you, Ma. Have you been going to see Jackdawpaw regularly like I asked?" Her tail brushed against her mother's pelt, concern in her eye. "Every time we see each other, you look a little sicker. You... you need to take care of yourself, alright? We still need you."